Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

When I initially announced my leap across the other side of the world a lot of people were quick to ask, “What about your boyfriend?  Is he coming with you?”  I don’t blame them.  It is a valid question.

My boyfriend and I have been together on-and-off since 2009.  A lot of things happened during our “on” times as well as our “off” times to the point where we know we are simply meant for each other and will be together forever.  We pretty much experienced all the good and bad that could happen in our relationship to last us a lifetime and still survived. It is just a fact.  A lot of people entering a long-distance relationship may not be as lucky– it could be they’ve known each other for a less amount of time, the unknown is simply too much, or fickleness eventually gets to them.

I don’t claim to be an expert at long-distance dating but I’ve been here before.  My very first relationship was separated by 5-hours of driving and still managed to last 2 years despite that we were never, ever right for each other.  Here I am again, at least this time I’m with the love of my life and I’m separated by a 14-hour flight.

It’s scary.

But you know what? I wouldn’t have made this move if it weren’t for the support of my significant other.  That’s the downright truth.  Whenever I was first offered this position, I flip-flopped a lot between accepting the offer and rejecting it.  Moving across the world is a big deal!! However, with the persistence of my boyfriend constantly saying this experience would be good for me; it made the decision easier.  The decision was still difficult, but there was absolutely no way I would’ve accepted the opportunity if I didn’t have his blessing.  It is because of this, that I believe mutual support is very important for a successful long-distance relationship.

We made plans.

Long-distance relationships can only thrive on promises.  When you can’t be there for each other physically, you can only go on the person’s word.  If there’s anything I’ve learned over the course of the eight years I’ve known my boyfriend, it is that he never, ever breaks his promises.  He really doesn’t.  He’s the most loyal and trustworthy person I know to walk on this earth.  His promises are his word and when he says he’s going to do something, I can trust 100% that it will happen.  So we made plans.  Unfortunately life doesn’t go one-way.  It can go up, down, sideways, backwards, forwards because of all the unknowns…as with any situation.  So the plans we made, we are still playing by ear.  This includes him moving here if I end up loving it here, and me coming home if I don’t; us getting married soon; and promising to be there for each other as much as we can.  This brings me to my next point…

Communication is important.

I really lucked out with this one– both my boyfriend and I are HUGE insomniacs.  So when it comes to time difference it really doesn’t affect us.  We know each other’s schedule so we understand when we can talk and when we can’t.  When life happens, we simply send each other a simple text saying, “Had a rough day, going to bed”, “So-and-so is here, we’re hanging out.”, or “I’m out and about, don’t know when I’ll be home.”

I’m not going to lie– sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me and I really want to talk to him but can’t for some reason– that is very typical when it comes to long-distance relationships.  I worry, I flip out, but again– I’m really lucky because my boyfriend has known me for so long, this behavior doesn’t really surprise him.  Sometimes, he expects it and deals with it.  He calls me out on it, but never hates me for it.  In reality, I have separation anxiety issues and this is something that I constantly struggle with and work on.  His patience is something I am extremely grateful for and constantly take for granted.  (Sorry, honey!  Nobody’s perfect.)

While communication is important, it is also important not to smother the other person.  Again, since we both suffer from insomnia, I tell him to go to sleep when I see it’s 4AM there and vice versa.  When he messages me at an odd hour and I respond immediately he asks, “Why are you up?!”  Sometimes we insist on staying up but at least we are acknowledging each other’s needs and making sure we’re not inconveniencing each other in any way.  When it comes down to it, a daily “I love you” and “Good morning/Goodnight” should suffice.

Trust is everything.

This should go without saying.  Since my boyfriend and I have gone through hell and back, this is really not an issue for us…but not everyone is as lucky to experience the level of security that we have.  Upon writing this post, I did some researching on what others had to say about sustaining a long-distance relationship.  I was surprised to see some say to scour the person’s social media to keep tabs on them and I must strongly disagree.  Maybe this is the issue with my generation’s style of dating.  I’ve heard so many of my friends in the past say, “I broke up with them because of snapchat/instagram/facebook.”  I guess I’m lucky in the sense that I use my social media as an open book because I have nothing to hide.  I tend to share everything regardless of whether or not it is the smartest thing to do.  My boyfriend, on the other hand, literally only uses the internet to play video games and to communicate with me/friends/family.  In fact, if I don’t personally message him directly about something I want him to see on the internet and simply tag him by comment or on my wall– he’ll never see it.  That’s how little he uses social media.

Give your wandering mind a rest and just focus on effective communication.  If you’re going to do something “bad”; something you know your partner will disapprove of– either don’t do it at all or tell them beforehand.  If you’re in a healthy relationship, your partner will appreciate the heads up.  Things only look more suspicious if they find out after-the-fact.

I’d like to conclude this post by sharing something so deeply personal to me: a poem I wrote whilst he slept next to me during one of our last days together.

breaker

               Originally written on June 30, 2017                

There, not here.

It’s hard to imagine
Life without you.
Without someone I’ve shared
Most of my adult years with.

Someone who
actively molded me into a better version of myself.
Someone who
always encouraged me when I was trapped in a void of helplessness.
Someone who
looked out for my best interests, even when I couldn’t realize it.

So for the last week
I started getting up earlier, realizing soon you won’t be there
to wake me every morning
to bring me coffee just the way I like it
to tell me it’s okay, when I have something dreadful planned that day.

Soon, I would have to face it all alone.
You’ll be there for me, but not here for me.
You’ll be there for me, but not present — here. For me.
& it would just about be the hardest thing I’ll endure.
Just being away, indefinitely.

You know I don’t like surprises, or unknowns for that matter.
I always read ahead to know what happens on a book-based t.v. show
Always open ears for spoilers provided by friends.
I just love knowing what is going to happen
& the control that comes with it,
But life can never play out that way.

So I memorized the ridges of your thumb
as it grazes the top of mine;
The way you place your dry hands on mine
to let me know you’re here — present.
They’re the same hands that has tickled me
and made me laugh against my will.
Even through tears of sadness literally shed moments before.
The same hands that has shocked me
multiple times, because they’re always so cold
(and you can never keep them off of me.)

I memorized
the weight of your arm around my shoulder
and the section of hair you like to twirl between your fingers.
I memorized
the structure of your chest and the comfort I gained from the shape
so that I may rebuild it out of pillows for when I get lonely
because I will get lonely — that is inevitable.
I memorized
your calming common sayings so that I may repeat them to myself
if I need to. Things like:
“I’ll come back for you.”
“You’re my priority.”
“This will be good for you in the long run.”
“I don’t know why I can’t express myself properly.”
“That’s not how life works.”
“I want to be with you forever.”

For moments when you’re “there” but not here.
For when I’m swimming in irrational thoughts of doubt,
almost eagerly forgetting that we’ve already survived
through tougher tribulations & came out stronger
from larger mistakes (made, on my part) and still —
you’re here.

You’ve always came back
and this shouldn’t be any different.
Time has proven more than once that
while I’m chasing dreams,
my only ambition is to be with you forever.
My heart will always be with you
& I won’t be whole
until the day you come back to me.

Story Behind my Scars

“What’s wrong with your face?” a sweet 3-year old asked, not knowing any better.  “Nothing.” I said slightly salty, hoping she’d drop it immediately.  She proceeded to jab the pad of her finger into my face in a scooping, sweeping motion as if to read the braille on my face.  This wouldn’t be the first encounter like this with a child, or an adult for that matter.  Not only have I gotten, “what’s wrong with your face?” in college, but I’ve also gotten the same reaction of a finger to my face when I responded with, “nothing.”

I have a lot of acne pockmarks on my skin.  When I hit puberty, it didn’t take very long for pimples to plague my face.  When I said plague my face, I mean literally all over my face.  I tried everything from over-the-counter to what dermatologists prescribed me and nothing worked.  When it came down to it, I just had an unlucky draw with genetics.  My parents would always say, “I had the most pimples in my family, Mom/Dad had the most pimples in their family.  Two pimple-y people mixed together equals very pimple-y kids.”  My brother also struggled with bad skin.  However, with society’s instilled double standards, he didn’t have to deal with half the things I did.  I had books thrown at my head, pushed and shoved around all while people screamed, “GET PLASTIC SURGERY!” which I never did much about.  One day one of the few friends I had screamed back some obscenities at my aggressor. Wide-eyed, I asked her, “Why did you do that?”  She grabbed me by the shoulder and shook it slightly as a reality check, “You have to stand up for yourself, you’re beautiful just the way you are.”  I shook my head, “No, they’re right.”

When I lived in China, my mother in an attempt to help me with my self-esteem would subject me to a facial every single Saturday.  Sounds nice on the surface, but I’d later discover– these facials would be the root cause of all my acne pock marks.  They would poke, prod, and squeeze all my acne until my face was purple and oozing.  They were doing all of it incorrectly and inducing scars since China doesn’t have the same cosmetology licensing standards as USA (if they had any at all.)  I get particularly upset when people like to tell me, “Well, you shouldn’t have popped your pimples when you were younger.” Way to assume things, I got these from facials. “Then you should sue them for damages.”  Facials I got in China. “Oh.”  As if lawsuits and money would make my scars magically disappear!  People always felt compelled to tell me their opinions as if I had any control over changing the past.  “You’d be sooo pretty without all those scars on your face.” Don’t you think I KNOW that?  Then there are those kind-hearted people who say things like, “I barely notice them.  They’re not that bad.”  Thank you.  You’re lying, but God bless your soul for being so kind.

I remember my first time getting prescribed Accutane.  The doctor went over the symptoms which included blindness, hair loss, and suicide.  I said slightly under my breath, “If this doesn’t work, I’ll probably gauge my own eyes out to save myself the sight of my reflection, pull my hair out with the bullying I deal with on a day-to-day basis, and kill myself anyway– let’s be real.”  The doctor’s face changed to show real concern and I laughed saying not everyone shared my super dark sense of humor.  My mom nudged me in the shoulder as a reminder to keep my attitude in check.  None of those symptoms were enough to scare me off because I had become so desperate to be free from the burden of acne.  Accutane worked, but at that point, I had done a weekly facial for the majority of the year, and the permanent damage was already done.

I’ve known I wanted to be a professional actress since I was 5 years old.  I always took my training seriously and the stage was the one place where I didn’t let my looks discourage me.  In my head, I wasn’t the insecure acne/pock mark-ridden Andrea. I was a fictional character who may or may not share my real-life attributes.  “You know, in the real-world they actually care about what you look like for roles?”, one of my cousins confronted me one day. I responded, “Celebrities aren’t perfect.  Cameron Diaz has notoriously bad skin…”  She scoffed, “You’re no Cameron Diaz.”  I laughed, “I know.  I’m better.” I said with a wink.  Her face melted into extreme disapproval but I assured her she had absolutely no idea what I was capable of and was better off to mind her own business.  I already get told ‘no’ a lot at auditions for valid reasons, I didn’t need “no”s from family members that I barely interacted with and have never seen me act.

After undergrad, I treated myself with a year of educational hiatus since I graduated early.  I travelled to Taiwan for an extended period of time.  It was at this point, my father offered me facial laser treatment for my deep-seeded pock marks.  I struggled with this decision for a long time.  To be honest, there was a moment where I didn’t even want to consider it.  I finally came to appreciate my scars!! Without them, I wouldn’t have my strong character or my sense of humor to outshine what most considered as my “lack of” outward beauty.  I was afraid if I didn’t have them anymore, I’d be egotistical and vain like the rest of them. Some of my aunts on my mother’s side tried to convince me not to get it, “You don’t need it, you’re young, your skin will heal on its own.”  One of my aunts even had the procedure done herself and now was plagued with sun spots around her cheeks so dark it looked like she sported a bruise on each cheek.  “See this?  This will happen if you get the surgery.  I went for it, and this is worse.  You can’t get rid of this.”

I was already leaning towards not getting the surgery.  That is, until my father’s sister got involved.  “Your father is willing to pay for something that will make you more beautiful and you’re turning it down?  That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. With that type of mentality, I curse you to a lifetime of ugliness and unhappiness.  You deserve it.”  There are other, worse things she said to me that I dare not repeat or put down in words– immortalizing them on this blog.  A grown adult legitimately bullied me unapologetically to the point of tears until I got the surgery.  My own aunt. Believe me when I say her and I don’t have a healthy relationship to this day.  I had asked my dad to tell her to let up to which he responded, “Well, don’t you think it is kind of silly that you don’t want something that will help you?”  So I caved in.

Laser treatment is extremely painful.  It feels like they are tattooing your entire face.  A sensation of sharp pin pricks for every pore.  They literally burn off a layer of your skin which is why you become so prone to sun spots and rosacea afterwards.  They point a vacuum at your face to suck up the smoke from the burns so the smell of your own burnt flesh travels across your nose.  “Why aren’t you crying?” the doctor performing the treatment asked.  “Am I supposed to cry?”, I asked.  “Most of my patients cry…”, she responded.

“Whether or not I cry…it doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

After the procedure, the doctor had to tell my parents how badass I was because she was so surprised of my statement.  My face literally felt like I had dipped it into the sun.  Constantly on fire.  Imagine your worst sunburn and multiply that feeling ten-thousand times. I did my due diligence and hid from the sun and any UV-producing lights for 2 full weeks.  I wanted to give my best chance to heal perfectly and to be honest, the treatment didn’t do jack. I still have pockmarks to this day.  I must give credit where credit is due.  My face has gotten a little bit smoother, however I still pay for it in sun spots here and there despite the precautions I took.

Having laser treatment didn’t improve my self-confidence or my self-image.  That’s something I still struggle with every single day.  When I take off my make-up at the end of the day, I always tell my boyfriend of 8 years, “Say ‘bye’ to pretty Andrea!” To which he always responds, “Hello, beautiful!!”  I’d call him a liar, and he’d say something like, “Why would you call my girlfriend ugly?  Are you saying I don’t have good taste?”  I surround myself with friends who genuinely believe I’m beautiful though I only agree with them less than half the time.  I photoshop my pictures and I don’t lie about it which often perturbs my friends when I admit it. When my friends are skeptical of it, I always take that opportunity to make the joke, “You’ve SEEN me.  You KNOW I don’t look like that.  Lol!” People photoshop all the time and add filters to make themselves more flattering.  Yet, when someone admits to actively doing so– all of a sudden it makes the act shameful or taboo.  Some tell me it’s obsessive and unnecessary.  For me, I understand everyone lives on the internet.  If I want to edit my pictures here and there to make myself feel better and make the picture reflect how I feel I should look like, how is that any different from a person going out and getting plastic surgery? (If anything, it’s better because I don’t have to spend any money outside of the software. Haha!) Should people be ashamed for doing things to feel prettier about themselves?

IMG_7830
An example. Untouched (left); Edited (right).

I wish I could provide a happy ending to this article where the laser treatment fixed everything– that I was able to finally learn how to love myself upon recovery and I become this outwardly beautiful person as deemed by society.  However, I wanted to be brutally honest in this post otherwise there is no real point in sharing something so incredibly personal to me.  Mind you, editing my pictures doesn’t make me less insecure about myself, but it does make me looking at pictures of myself more bearable.  As awful as it sounds, it’s a small price to pay for a peace of mind.  Maybe one day I’ll look at a picture of myself and think I’m perfect just the way I am.  For now, that’s how I’ve chosen to deal with my insecurities and it should be okay.  I know I’m not perfect. Everyone has their thing that obscures their personal realities– it could be telling white lies in everyday life to make them seem more interesting– I edit my scars out of my pictures.  I appreciate them for the lessons they’ve taught me in my life, but they don’t define me.  Having them on my face just makes it more obvious and more telling.  I rather tell the story behind my scars rather than have them tell it for me since it too often leads to wrong assumptions (as evident from the examples provided in this post.)

Things I’ve learned from having bad skin:

  1. Never tell someone who is acne-ridden to “wash their face”.  Most likely, they wash their face more often than you wash yours.
  2. Don’t assume they haven’t done anything to help themselves (go to a dermatologist, get facials, etc.)– even if you mean well, it’s probably GENETICS.
  3. Do constantly remind them that they are beautiful with or without makeup.  Even if they never believe you– tell them until they’re sick of hearing it.  Tell them every time you see them.  (I PROMISE you, they’re not fishing for compliments.  If they’re like me, they genuinely believe they’re not worthy of such compliments which is why this is so important.) With every one person telling them they’re beautiful there’s an upwards of 10-20 people telling them different.  If it weren’t for my mother, my boyfriend, and my best friends constantly reassuring me that I wasn’t as hideous as others led me to believe I wouldn’t be here today.  No exaggeration.

Everyone has their insecurities.  Some are real and some are fabricated within their minds but regardless of their origins, they are valid because the person feels it.  Body dysmorphia is a real mental disorder.  While we can’t fully protect ourselves from people who take joy in putting down others, we can control how we, ourselves, treat other people.  You never know how some offhanded comment can severely affect someone.  So always be kind to one another.  Spread only love for everyone you cross paths with.  Be more open and seek others’ inner beauty.  It is harder to see, but truer to the person.

Facing Animosity

I used to be a real insecure and paranoid creature thanks to the numerous years of bullying and animosity I faced during my adolescent years.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't care what people thought of me nowadays, but I give myself credit where credit is due. I've gotten better, more confident, and mindful about my capabilities. This was no easy feat. [Click here to read "The Upside of Being Told 'No' and why it is important to stay motivated.]

As you might have guessed by now, my life's motto is to not worry about things that I have no control over.  One of the biggest things that comes with that is recognizing that no matter what, people in this world are going to judge you, hate you, and discourage you everywhere you go.  Whether its calling you ugly, stupid, or simply not good enough– these types of attitudes are simply unavoidable. It sucks, but it is the truth. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can learn to love yourself.

Most people are egocentric.  They only live in their world, and only experience things as they perceive it.  A person might road rage out against to someone who cuts them off on the road but fail to see the person who cut them off is an elder with poor vision or a parent with rambunctious children in the back, trying to drive whilst simultaneously calming them down. A supervisor might lash out on an employee producing unsatisfactory work not realizing that employee has other things on his mind like a sick family member or experiencing the heavy burden of debt obtained from simply raising a family and/or buying a home.  The supervisor, themselves, might have adopted a more abrasive personality because of all the years they were told they weren't assertive enough and they're dealing with their own pressures that come with wanting to climb the corporate ladder and succeed in life.   It is even possible that there is no "reason" but are all real, honest mistakes! (People make those!  It's life!  Nobody's perfect!  Chill out!)  None of these are great reasons to excuse this type of behavior, mind you, but they are examples of how the situation simply cannot be helped.  

You cannot control what other people say, think, or do to you.  But, you can control how you internalize and react to it.

I'm speaking strictly in terms of facing animosity.  Not to those who are giving legitimate constructive criticism or advice you don't want to hear– that's in a whole other league of its own.  When someone is being awful to you and being mean toward you for seemingly no rhyme or reason it's important to keep these in mind:

It is them, not you.

If someone is throwing shade at you I can say with 99.8% confidence it is more of their problem than it is your problem.  Maybe they're having a bad day, or just a bad life in general. They have no other way to process their negative emotions other than to project it onto others.  It is unhealthy, and it shouldn't happen, but it does.  It could happen unintentionally because the person has some type of depression making them susceptible to irritability/agitation/mood swings; or it could happen intentionally because the person is projecting their own insecurities and jealousies onto you so they can feel better about themselves. Regardless of their intention, it should make you feel better that it is their deal more than it is yours.

Stay mindful, be kind.

Recognize that since it is their own issues disguised as hate towards you to not take it personally.  Don't add fuel to the fire for it only justifies their negative thoughts/actions towards you.  There's a reason why "kill them with kindness" is a saying.  Stay kind, even when it is so extremely difficult.  Stay kind because when other people get wind of this type of animosity, those who are close to them may start to question why they are mean you.  It is definitely a long game to play, but in the end it all works out.  Karma is real and ruthless.  Be kind, spread love, and you'll get it in return in ten-folds.

In high school, I was bullied relentlessly.  Every day, it was a new thing.  I had one girl spread the nastiest rumors about me and I never cared.  One time she told the entire school I was a closet lesbian who liked to peep at other girls showering post-P.E. class.  When I got wind of it I couldn't help but laugh and said, "Ew, since when did people use the showers at school?!?" (Hint: no one did.  The showers in the locker rooms were always musty and questionably "clean" because literally no one ever used them.) So when the rumors changed that I was just a closet lesbian, I was happy because I have been a LGBTQIA advocate since 1995 and went around saying, "You know, sexual orientation isn't a choice…but this is possibly the kindest rumor you could have ever made about me."  I knew I wasn't gay!  Not only was I not gay, I didn't see anything wrong with being gay so I didn't care who thought I was.  It literally affected me none.  After 4 years enduring rumor after rumor, sometimes even enduring physical harm (yes, I've been beaten up and had things thrown at me too times in my lifetime), the girl behind most of it apologized to me which brings me to my next point…

Forgiveness is a POWERFUL thing.

Senior year, during the last week of school, the girl who made my life hell throughout my high school experience apologized to me.  It was unexpected but very deeply appreciated which is why after ten years, I still haven't forgotten about it.  She did it in private, without her cohorts who typically egged her on but regardless…her eyes welled up with tears so I knew the amount of sincerity that came with the apology.  She hugged me– and it wasn't a polite, obligated type of hug.  She held me tight, it was prolonged, and for a moment, she wept into my shoulder.  "I don't know why I did the things that I did, it wasn't me, and I'm sorry I never got a chance to be friends with you."  When we pulled away from the hug, she held both my hands and squeezed them.  It meant the world to me.  We were both crying at this point, just letting it all out.  I never retaliated against her, I just took it.  If I had fought fire with fire, I doubt that it would've played out the way it did.

I forgave her.  She thanked me.  We moved on.

An apology too late is better than an apology that never comes.  Maybe she felt the same way and just wanted to be lifted from all the guilt from every horrible thing she ever did to me before we left our separate ways to college. I had the choice to hold onto that grudge for the rest of my life and make her live knowing the damage she did to me, but forgiveness is often for yourself more than it is for the person asking for it.   I had the power to absolve her from all that guilt, and I did. Sometimes they never apologize!  It is still your duty to forgive because it is the right thing to do and a necessity to move on.  Trust me when I say that there are still plenty of people out in the world who did me wrong, and are still continuously spreading hate and saying mean things about me.  Rest assured, while they are talking crap about my back, I've forgiven and forgotten about them a long time ago.  It isn't until I get wind of it through a mutual friend that I typically just feel touched and honored that someone is still wasting energy talking about me at all.  Sometimes I legitimately have to remind myself who they even are since I typically cut off toxic relationships to lead a healthy life.  That's the way it should be.  Just ignore it all!  If and when they come to their senses to apologize, I will forgive and tell them I did forever ago. It isn't easy, but those who can find the courage to do so will lead much healthier, happier lives.

When facing animosity, the only way the aggressors win is if you acknowledge it, let it get you down, and justify their wrong by fueling the hate with your own way of retaliation.  Recognize your worth.  Realize it is them, not you.  Stay mindful, be kind, and always, always forgive.

Departure: How to Leave Gracefully

Monday, July 31st will mark my final day at my very first full-time job as a legal clerk.

Leaving is never easy, even when it is on your own terms.  I love(d) my job at this law firm I’ve devoted the past two years of my life to.  This particular job has given me so many life lessons including (but not limited to) how to multi-task, be self-sufficient, and prioritize; how to communicate effectively with coworkers and with clients that have debilitating mental/physical impairments trapped horrible situations like homelessness or living with a terminal diagnosis. I also developed a higher appreciation for TV shows like “The Office” & “Parks & Recreation” realizing office archetypes do exist in real-life (lol.)

Let’s be real– not many people stay at their very first job for the rest of their life, or their second, or even their third.  Only the lucky ones do.  It is only natural for someone to accept a better opportunity in their lifetime and move on.  Sometimes people don’t even have the luxury of departing on their own terms and have to leave because of other external circumstances.  Departure is simply unavoidable at times and the five stages of grief may be experienced by you, and your workplace.  When facing departure, people often fall between two sides of a spectrum– anticipating the departure, or making the best of it.

In this blog, I will be speaking about my own personal experience which not everyone may agree with, but I believe is a right thing to do.

Anticipating the departure, in my opinion, is what most people default to.  You’re excited to get out of your current job and move onto the next.  You absolutely cannot wait because maybe your new job offers a lot of things your old job couldn’t satisfy.  It could be more pay, more responsibility, or simply embody more personal interest.  The downside of this mentality is that people most often “give up” or “stop caring” about their current job and scrape on by with minimal effort until their last day because what are they going to do?  Fire you?  You’re leaving anyway, who cares!  There is nothing wrong with this mentality since I’ve stated before most people default to this.  It is natural to just let go and make your old job responsibility your successor’s problem.

The issue with this way of thinking applies to the 80/20 rule or Pareto principle.  Most people are familiar with the 80/20 rule as it applies to business/economics which states 80% of your outcomes comes from 20% of your input.  As in 20% of product/hard work accounts for 80% of your financial gain. However, this blog isn’t about business or economics– it’s about personal life choices.  Here’s how the pareto principle may apply to “anticipating departure”:

Perhaps you were initially unsatisfied with your current position which motivated you into finding a new opportunity in the first place.  You were 80% satisfied with your current position but for some reason, the 20% of what you lacked shifted your priorities and motivation one day.  So you began seeking the missing 20% in the form of a new job opportunity (i.e. pay, self-interest, etc.)  Maybe this next opportunity is absolutely perfect and end up being your forever-job.  That would be the absolute best case scenario.  However, as with all unknowns– there’s a 50/50 chance that it might not be since nobody is a fortune teller.  The 80/20 rule is a double-edged sword in the sense that what you gain from the 20% you initially seeked, you are now lacking in the 80% job satisfaction that you had with your previous job. That would be the absolute worst case scenario. (Click here to read “Change & How to Embrace it” where I mention evaluating best/worst case scenarios for new situations.) 

It is no secret that I think too much and why I’m such an excellent tetris and chess player. I am constantly planning 10 steps ahead for every move I make because I’m a crazy person.  Fun fact: my AIM username back in the day was ObsessiveFreak89 and I have been obsessively planning my life since the age of 5.  Every plan has a back-up plan, and every back-up plan has a back-up, back-up plan.  It is the sole reason I never burn bridges, I just temporarily close them.  Always.  This is a lesson I learned from working in entertainment because you just NEVER KNOW who you will run into and be working with next so, might as well always do your best so no one has a reason to hate you.

I chose to make the best of my departure.

I gave my job two months notice rather than a two week notice knowing full well that my job is very specialized, highly technical, and meticulous.  It wasn’t like I was moving across the street, I am moving across the world so I felt a well-deserved heads up was warranted so they could find a suitable candidate to take over my position.  I worked ahead so that the workflow for my successor would be light, giving them time to adjust and learn the job. (Three months to be exact…I mentioned I was a crazy person, right?!)  I do law stuff so it’s downright next to impossible to get everything correct in a day (or two weeks) no matter how smart you are– that’s just reality.  I created a detailed instruction manual with screenshots because I literally have four bosses/supervisors that all do things differently and it would be difficult for anyone to keep up with their individual wants/needs especially with two of them working remotely in another city.  I came in early to double check my replacement’s work done the day before and reviewed any mistakes I caught with them once they came in, using that time to answer any questions they may have had. I also stayed late to finish any work my supervisors only entrusted to me because of its level of difficulty.

The best advice I ever received was to not worry about things I have absolutely no control over, so I recognized everything I did have control over, and tried to make things better and easier all in the interest of the company, unprompted.

Of course, I prefaced this blog by saying I’m speaking from my own personal experience that everyone may not agree with. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t stressing myself out with superfluous work during my last days in the office.  Even still, I genuinely believe that this is the right thing to do if you want to leave gracefully.  I’ve made jokes around the office that I might return from Taiwan wearing nothing but rags and soot all over my face groaning, “Please take me back…”— because anything is possible. I don’t know what will happen in the next stage of my life, but either way I’m excited! I made the best of my departure by making leaving on good terms my priority.  This is in no way a #humblebrag though some may see it as such– I’ve been doing this with every single job I’ve had to leave in the past and I always heard the same thing from co-workers, “You’re leaving!  Who cares!”

I care.  Too much, sometimes.  I wished others did as well because honestly, it is just good practice/great work ethic.  Not only will you leave your company in good shape, you will have many people within the organization willing to vouch for your good work and want to be listed as a reference.  Even without the potential of references, it should give you a peace of mind knowing you did all you could to do something good, especially if you were an integral part of the organization.  The world is a small place, so make good where you can!

As long as you continually to do your best, you’ll never fail.  Even if it doesn’t work out, always depart gracefully.

The Upside of Being Told ‘No.’

There are two main types of people in the world.  People who get discouraged from being told “no” and people who become motivated from being told “no.”

I am the latter, and I have been since I was a child.  I have been performing since I was very young.  I was in competitive gymnastics and dance; was learning music and acting; and went to Saturday school for mathematics and Mandarin Chinese. Being a small child involved in too many things, raised in an immigrant household with parents born in the 1950s– you bet your bottom I was being told “no” a lot. I learned early on that “no” was discipline.  “No” meant that I was doing something wrong– that there was still something left to learn and improve on. It didn’t mean I was worthless, stupid or incapable of improving.  “No” to me, meant I am supposed to know better, do better, be better.

When I attended graduate school for administration with a focus on nonprofit organizations, I learned that it is much easier to turn a “no” to a “yes” than a “yes” to a “no.”  So it is no wonder why “no” is a more frequent answer in  everyday life than “yes.”  It is for that very reason that I never take “no” personally, or as a definitive answer.  A person who says “no” to me today, can say “yes” to me a different day.  This is truth especially in theatre.  I’ve left countless auditions with a no, but greeted with a yes from the same director for a different, more suitable opportunity.

When I completed graduate school I spent approximately 5-months stuck in a postgraduate depression.  No one ever told me that postgraduate depression was a thing.  It was something that consumed me and I had to discover and understand on my own, completely blind.  My graduate program had set me up with a lot of real-life hands-on experience that I wouldn’t have ever obtained on my own like creating a cultural food program literally from the ground up called “Taste of Taiwan” for Asia Society Texas Center with money granted from Taiwan Economic and Cultural Office.  I assisted the rebranding and transition of leadership at Queensbury Theatre, formerly known as Country Playhouse, implementing a strategic social media marketing plan which more than doubled their online presence by the time my internship was over.  Real, nitty gritty groundwork that resulted in legitimate success and fruitfulness which wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for my hard work and my passion to succeed– to surpass all the “no” that has thrown in my way throughout my lifetime.  Still, after graduate school I began feeling like a small worker ant.  Who cares if I did any of that?  Did any of it even matter?  I had been called the “poster child” of my graduate program– an overachiever who had been fortunate enough to never know failure. In the end, it all amounted to nothing.

After graduate school, I worked a thankless job in press media making $12 an hour with only 12 hours a week.  Within that limited amount of time per week, I had to come up with three articles and a comprehensive list of events.  No really, I had to come up with at least 150 new things to do around the city every single week.  Did I mention I was also an editor?  I drowned more than I swam.  I needed an out without going back to retail and food.  I refused to go back to those types of minimum wage jobs with a master’s degree even though I technically made more money waiting tables than I did being an editor.  I finally landed an interview with a Fortune 500 company.

This was it.  This was the place I wanted to be.  A social media marketing manager for a company that made a computer software aimed for people who wanted to get into real estate.  A baby company that had just started less than 5 years ago at the time.  They were focused, on the road of success– and I was convinced I was going to get it.  I landed the initial interview, and passed the second round which tested my skills in HTML/CSS; writing marketing blog posts; and email campaigns that will bypass spam filters.  (Since we were selling something, email servers automatically sort that stuff out because of keywords used.  I had a brief stint working for a third-party contracted by Google so I was already too aware of these things– but, I digress.) I passed the second round and found myself going to the third and final round of the interview. If I pass this, I got the job, I thought to myself over and over again on my way over to their office location.  I got to meet the CEO of the company who was pretty young, probably in his mid-to-late thirties.  The interview went swimmingly until he asked me– “Why should I hire you?  You’re fresh out of graduate school with no real-world experience.”  I froze and stumbled around for an answer.  I had “real-world” experience from my graduate program but, the CEO would have none of it.  He didn’t care about my brief stints here and there coordinated by my university– that was something I had to do to graduate, not something I accomplished on my own accord.  He didn’t care about the marketing strategies and theories I knew because he knew the real results– the advantages and disadvantages of everything from doing it all in real life.  How do I compare?  What have I contributed to the world outside of what I’ve done in school?  I word vomited all over his desk afraid that if I gave the impression of being hesitant or naive, it’d surely end me and the interview.

You just need to take a leap of faith.  There’s nothing I can’t do that I put my mind to. I always want to improve, to be efficient, and the best.  I’m an overachiever, and there’s no obstacle I cannot overcome.

Ageism is a real thing in this world and there’s nothing to combat it.  To this day, I don’t know the “correct” answer to a question regarding lack of real-world experience.  This is exactly why postgraduate depression is so real and such a heavy burden.  When a student graduates, they are often in debt because of student loans with no “real-world experience” to help them land a decent job to pay the loans off.  They start questioning themselves, their ability, even their intelligence.  Even after spending thousands of dollars on a fancy piece of paper that says they know something, people too frequently disregard it anyway!  I never got that job…they opted for someone with more experience (predictably, so).  However, around the same time I got another gig working a play for a theatre company.

Theatre is humbling work.  I could never make a living off of it unless I devoted my entire soul into it– and even then, I might not ever make it.  A typical non-equity theatre job pays around $600 for three months of work, so you really have to love it to not mind the low pay.  I’ve accepted it a long time ago.  Theatre is not my hobby and I get offended when people try to say it is such.  It is my life-long passion and my one true love.  It is the only thing that makes me genuinely happy.  It was through this theatre gig as a random crew member, changing the set in-between scenes for a show, that eventually led to my first full-time job as a legal clerk at a law firm for the next two years.  I was referred by an actor– whose day job was a paralegal and his company needed a VERY immediate replacement.  I dropped everything, applied, and pretty much quit my job as a part-time editor as soon as I was hired on.

“No” isn’t the end of the world. Often times, it leads to something better. If a potential employer/partner is not willing to take a “leap of faith” on you, take a leap of faith on life and realize maybe God has other plans for you.  Maybe you were meant for something else, something greater. Maybe this “no” is diverting your path to somewhere else– somewhere you were destined to go, with more happiness and self-fulfillment than you could ever imagine on the other side.  Even though I didn’t get hired at the Fortune 500 company, I feel like I wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much as I ended up enjoying my full-time job as a legal clerk.  I would’ve been making more money, but I would’ve been essentially a salesperson rather than doing what I really love to do (which is helping people; hence, studying nonprofit.) Though being a legal clerk still had nothing to do with the many years I devoted to studying theatre for my higher education, it still managed to lead me back to my true passion in the form of a job opportunity– becoming an English/Theatre professor at a university in Taiwan.  I definitely would have never received such an offer had I not sacrificed a couple of years getting some “real-world experience.”

Combat every “no” you get in life with a “yes” of your own because YES, you can make the best out of every single situation. Every “no” brings in an opportunity to show the declining party that they were wrong about you, that it was a mistake to pass you up, that you are more brilliant than anyone could ever anticipate.  Remember that it is easier to change a “no” to a “yes” than it is to change a “yes” to a “no.”  “No” is NOT and will NEVER be a definitive answer. Never get discouraged by a “no”.  Always become motivated, stay focused, and show the world your worth.

Go out knowing better, doing better, being better.

Change & How to Embrace It

Change can be a scary thing.  The fear of the unknown, the uncontrollable, can render a person into a sheer ball of anxiety dipped in depression wrapped up in a fragile foil of insecurity, self-doubt, with the overweighing sense of isolation.  I know this feeling all too well– having experienced it before.

In 2002 in the middle of my 7th grade school year, I learned that I had to leave the only home I knew in Fort Worth, Texas to Beijing, China.  If moving wasn’t hard enough, I was about to make my first move by leaping over the Pacific Ocean into another country, another world– a world I never knew or had a taste of.  A country with a completely different type of government.  A country that embodied a completely different culture, spoke a different language.  Though I was fortunate enough to be raised bilingual in Mandarin Chinese, I had always identified as an all-American gal.  I was scared. I recall crying myself to sleep every night for the next three months.  I would get publicly upset when my father would bring up his big promotion at going-away dinner parties– my father has always been popular, so there was more than one dinner party I’d burst into tears and pretty much ruined the vibe.  (Whoops, I was a child.  What’d you expect?) Then, the time finally came.

I remember sitting on the airplane en route to my new home on the other side of the world, past the prime meridian and into the “future”.  There was no turning back– so finally I began a list of things I wanted to achieve as a 12 year-old entering a brand new world.  Though I no longer have the list with me, I recall writing it on a napkin that came with the peanuts and beverages.  I wanted to be more kind and have more friends because I was very unpopular in my Texan middle school.  I wanted to be more outgoing, since I always defaulted on being shy and quiet.  I pretty much wanted to be everything I wasn’t in Texas– and this was my one and only chance to.

Change can be a scary thing– but it is inevitable. In order for there to be growth, you must welcome change.  And while my first major change in my life (moving to China) was borderline TRAUMATIZING…I’ve since become addicted to it.  Looking back, the life I lived in China is one of the most invaluable experiences of my life. College, graduate school, “real world” adulting I’ve experienced since China– still doesn’t compare to my life during 2002-2008.  And, just because I don’t live in China anymore doesn’t mean there aren’t more adventures in life left to take.  How will I ever know my next best experience if I never welcomed change?

The static, predictable, and safe lifestyle has become boring for me.  And maybe that’s why I have always been drawn to theatre.  Who will I play next? What will I learn, do, and see next?  Theatre/Acting is driven by the unknown.  Will I land this audition? Will I sink or swim?  What will the reviews/audiences say specifically about me? You never know. So here are my tips and tricks on how to face change and embrace it.

1. What’s the worst thing that could happen?

This applies to any situation.  What’s the absolute WORST THING that could happen?  Think about it.  Write it down.  Feel it out.  Put your anxieties on paper and REALIZE IT.  It’s okay.

If you’re going to an interview for your dream job, what’s the worst logical thing that could happen? They say no. Interviewers laugh at you.

If you’re moving to a new place, a place you’ve never been before — what’s the worst thing that could happen? You don’t make any friends. You lose your job (or can’t find a job!). You wind up homeless.

2. What are you going to do about it?

The best advice my father has ever given me in my entire lifetime is: Don’t worry about things you have ABSOLUTELY no control over.

If you interview for your dream job– they say no and laugh at you on your way out, can you control that? NO.  So, what can you control?

You can control how conduct yourself at the next interview for a similar opportunity– figure out what you could do better next time, how to strengthen your credentials.  You can control how much harder you keep looking for that special, amazing opportunity.  If you can find it once, you can find it again.  That is in YOUR control!

You’re moving to a new place you’ve never been before and you don’t have any friends, can’t find a job, and you’re stranded and couch surfing– what can you control?

You can control how much social events you go to and how much effort you put into trying to make friends– all of your friends at one moment in your life was a COMPLETE STRANGER!  Go out, have fun, even if you don’t feel like it.  You only get in return what you put out in the universe (true story).  Can’t find a job? Keep grinding and looking!  The reality most people struggle with is no matter how great you are, how smart you are, how CAPABLE you are– the world owes you nothing.  So don’t expect the perfect opportunity is going to fall right in your lap!  Again, you only get in return what you put out.  Keep applying for jobs even if they are “stupid”. [I worked 10 years in retail and food– I KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE!  TRUST ME.]  Something is better than nothing. Legit homeless? Go home.  Your original home.  Somewhere where you have people that will love and support you while you get back on your feet.  I’ve known plenty of people who moved great distance away because of an opportunity then all of a sudden– their job doesn’t work out and they can’t find anything better. They find themselves unexpectedly going back to where they started.  There’s always a place you call home.  Go back to it.  There is no shame in that; there is only the shame that comes with never trying.  You are ALWAYS in control of your situation. In life, you can only count on yourself.  Your parents will pass, your siblings may move, your spouse may pass/leave, friends are constantly coming and going.  The only constant relationship you have from birth to death is the relationship you have with yourself. So look out for yourself, never let pride get in the way.  There is no such thing as failure.

3. What’s the BEST that could happen?

Alright, pessimism and cynicism aside– let’s focus on the positives. Figure out what are the best things that could happen.  Write it down.  Rewire your brain to LOOK FORWARD to these things.  Moving to a new place/starting a new job is exciting!!  You get to reinvent yourself!!  You get to learn something new!!  You’ll meet new friends, discover new interests, gain new experiences.  YAAAS!!  After realizing your worries, combat it with something positive– something to look forward to.  It’s all about the state of mind.  Were you unpopular? A subaverage worker? NOT ANYMORE!!  You, in whatever type of change you’re facing in life, have a rare opportunity to reinvent yourself, better yourself, transform yourself.  So WERK IT!!! DO YOU, BOO-BOO!!!  WEL-COME-DAT-CHANGE!!!

When all else fails, and you feel like it’s just you against the world…I’m here for you and I have enough belief that you can make the best of your impending change.  Don’t believe me?  Comment down below and tell me your story.  Let’s be friends.