When I initially announced my leap across the other side of the world a lot of people were quick to ask, “What about your boyfriend? Is he coming with you?” I don’t blame them. It is a valid question.
My boyfriend and I have been together on-and-off since 2009. A lot of things happened during our “on” times as well as our “off” times to the point where we know we are simply meant for each other and will be together forever. We pretty much experienced all the good and bad that could happen in our relationship to last us a lifetime and still survived. It is just a fact. A lot of people entering a long-distance relationship may not be as lucky– it could be they’ve known each other for a less amount of time, the unknown is simply too much, or fickleness eventually gets to them.
I don’t claim to be an expert at long-distance dating but I’ve been here before. My very first relationship was separated by 5-hours of driving and still managed to last 2 years despite that we were never, ever right for each other. Here I am again, at least this time I’m with the love of my life and I’m separated by a 14-hour flight.
It’s scary.
But you know what? I wouldn’t have made this move if it weren’t for the support of my significant other. That’s the downright truth. Whenever I was first offered this position, I flip-flopped a lot between accepting the offer and rejecting it. Moving across the world is a big deal!! However, with the persistence of my boyfriend constantly saying this experience would be good for me; it made the decision easier. The decision was still difficult, but there was absolutely no way I would’ve accepted the opportunity if I didn’t have his blessing. It is because of this, that I believe mutual support is very important for a successful long-distance relationship.
We made plans.
Long-distance relationships can only thrive on promises. When you can’t be there for each other physically, you can only go on the person’s word. If there’s anything I’ve learned over the course of the eight years I’ve known my boyfriend, it is that he never, ever breaks his promises. He really doesn’t. He’s the most loyal and trustworthy person I know to walk on this earth. His promises are his word and when he says he’s going to do something, I can trust 100% that it will happen. So we made plans. Unfortunately life doesn’t go one-way. It can go up, down, sideways, backwards, forwards because of all the unknowns…as with any situation. So the plans we made, we are still playing by ear. This includes him moving here if I end up loving it here, and me coming home if I don’t; us getting married soon; and promising to be there for each other as much as we can. This brings me to my next point…
Communication is important.
I really lucked out with this one– both my boyfriend and I are HUGE insomniacs. So when it comes to time difference it really doesn’t affect us. We know each other’s schedule so we understand when we can talk and when we can’t. When life happens, we simply send each other a simple text saying, “Had a rough day, going to bed”, “So-and-so is here, we’re hanging out.”, or “I’m out and about, don’t know when I’ll be home.”
I’m not going to lie– sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me and I really want to talk to him but can’t for some reason– that is very typical when it comes to long-distance relationships. I worry, I flip out, but again– I’m really lucky because my boyfriend has known me for so long, this behavior doesn’t really surprise him. Sometimes, he expects it and deals with it. He calls me out on it, but never hates me for it. In reality, I have separation anxiety issues and this is something that I constantly struggle with and work on. His patience is something I am extremely grateful for and constantly take for granted. (Sorry, honey! Nobody’s perfect.)
While communication is important, it is also important not to smother the other person. Again, since we both suffer from insomnia, I tell him to go to sleep when I see it’s 4AM there and vice versa. When he messages me at an odd hour and I respond immediately he asks, “Why are you up?!” Sometimes we insist on staying up but at least we are acknowledging each other’s needs and making sure we’re not inconveniencing each other in any way. When it comes down to it, a daily “I love you” and “Good morning/Goodnight” should suffice.
Trust is everything.
This should go without saying. Since my boyfriend and I have gone through hell and back, this is really not an issue for us…but not everyone is as lucky to experience the level of security that we have. Upon writing this post, I did some researching on what others had to say about sustaining a long-distance relationship. I was surprised to see some say to scour the person’s social media to keep tabs on them and I must strongly disagree. Maybe this is the issue with my generation’s style of dating. I’ve heard so many of my friends in the past say, “I broke up with them because of snapchat/instagram/facebook.” I guess I’m lucky in the sense that I use my social media as an open book because I have nothing to hide. I tend to share everything regardless of whether or not it is the smartest thing to do. My boyfriend, on the other hand, literally only uses the internet to play video games and to communicate with me/friends/family. In fact, if I don’t personally message him directly about something I want him to see on the internet and simply tag him by comment or on my wall– he’ll never see it. That’s how little he uses social media.
Give your wandering mind a rest and just focus on effective communication. If you’re going to do something “bad”; something you know your partner will disapprove of– either don’t do it at all or tell them beforehand. If you’re in a healthy relationship, your partner will appreciate the heads up. Things only look more suspicious if they find out after-the-fact.
I’d like to conclude this post by sharing something so deeply personal to me: a poem I wrote whilst he slept next to me during one of our last days together.
Originally written on June 30, 2017
There, not here.
It’s hard to imagine
Life without you.
Without someone I’ve shared
Most of my adult years with.
Someone who
actively molded me into a better version of myself.
Someone who
always encouraged me when I was trapped in a void of helplessness.
Someone who
looked out for my best interests, even when I couldn’t realize it.
So for the last week
I started getting up earlier, realizing soon you won’t be there
to wake me every morning
to bring me coffee just the way I like it
to tell me it’s okay, when I have something dreadful planned that day.
Soon, I would have to face it all alone.
You’ll be there for me, but not here for me.
You’ll be there for me, but not present — here. For me.
& it would just about be the hardest thing I’ll endure.
Just being away, indefinitely.
You know I don’t like surprises, or unknowns for that matter.
I always read ahead to know what happens on a book-based t.v. show
Always open ears for spoilers provided by friends.
I just love knowing what is going to happen
& the control that comes with it,
But life can never play out that way.
So I memorized the ridges of your thumb
as it grazes the top of mine;
The way you place your dry hands on mine
to let me know you’re here — present.
They’re the same hands that has tickled me
and made me laugh against my will.
Even through tears of sadness literally shed moments before.
The same hands that has shocked me
multiple times, because they’re always so cold
(and you can never keep them off of me.)
I memorized
the weight of your arm around my shoulder
and the section of hair you like to twirl between your fingers.
I memorized
the structure of your chest and the comfort I gained from the shape
so that I may rebuild it out of pillows for when I get lonely
because I will get lonely — that is inevitable.
I memorized
your calming common sayings so that I may repeat them to myself
if I need to. Things like:
“I’ll come back for you.”
“You’re my priority.”
“This will be good for you in the long run.”
“I don’t know why I can’t express myself properly.”
“That’s not how life works.”
“I want to be with you forever.”
For moments when you’re “there” but not here.
For when I’m swimming in irrational thoughts of doubt,
almost eagerly forgetting that we’ve already survived
through tougher tribulations & came out stronger
from larger mistakes (made, on my part) and still —
you’re here.
You’ve always came back
and this shouldn’t be any different.
Time has proven more than once that
while I’m chasing dreams,
my only ambition is to be with you forever.
My heart will always be with you
& I won’t be whole
until the day you come back to me.