Category: Advice

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Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

When I initially announced my leap across the other side of the world a lot of people were quick to ask, “What about your boyfriend?  Is he coming with you?”  I don’t blame them.  It is a valid question.

My boyfriend and I have been together on-and-off since 2009.  A lot of things happened during our “on” times as well as our “off” times to the point where we know we are simply meant for each other and will be together forever.  We pretty much experienced all the good and bad that could happen in our relationship to last us a lifetime and still survived. It is just a fact.  A lot of people entering a long-distance relationship may not be as lucky– it could be they’ve known each other for a less amount of time, the unknown is simply too much, or fickleness eventually gets to them.

I don’t claim to be an expert at long-distance dating but I’ve been here before.  My very first relationship was separated by 5-hours of driving and still managed to last 2 years despite that we were never, ever right for each other.  Here I am again, at least this time I’m with the love of my life and I’m separated by a 14-hour flight.

It’s scary.

But you know what? I wouldn’t have made this move if it weren’t for the support of my significant other.  That’s the downright truth.  Whenever I was first offered this position, I flip-flopped a lot between accepting the offer and rejecting it.  Moving across the world is a big deal!! However, with the persistence of my boyfriend constantly saying this experience would be good for me; it made the decision easier.  The decision was still difficult, but there was absolutely no way I would’ve accepted the opportunity if I didn’t have his blessing.  It is because of this, that I believe mutual support is very important for a successful long-distance relationship.

We made plans.

Long-distance relationships can only thrive on promises.  When you can’t be there for each other physically, you can only go on the person’s word.  If there’s anything I’ve learned over the course of the eight years I’ve known my boyfriend, it is that he never, ever breaks his promises.  He really doesn’t.  He’s the most loyal and trustworthy person I know to walk on this earth.  His promises are his word and when he says he’s going to do something, I can trust 100% that it will happen.  So we made plans.  Unfortunately life doesn’t go one-way.  It can go up, down, sideways, backwards, forwards because of all the unknowns…as with any situation.  So the plans we made, we are still playing by ear.  This includes him moving here if I end up loving it here, and me coming home if I don’t; us getting married soon; and promising to be there for each other as much as we can.  This brings me to my next point…

Communication is important.

I really lucked out with this one– both my boyfriend and I are HUGE insomniacs.  So when it comes to time difference it really doesn’t affect us.  We know each other’s schedule so we understand when we can talk and when we can’t.  When life happens, we simply send each other a simple text saying, “Had a rough day, going to bed”, “So-and-so is here, we’re hanging out.”, or “I’m out and about, don’t know when I’ll be home.”

I’m not going to lie– sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me and I really want to talk to him but can’t for some reason– that is very typical when it comes to long-distance relationships.  I worry, I flip out, but again– I’m really lucky because my boyfriend has known me for so long, this behavior doesn’t really surprise him.  Sometimes, he expects it and deals with it.  He calls me out on it, but never hates me for it.  In reality, I have separation anxiety issues and this is something that I constantly struggle with and work on.  His patience is something I am extremely grateful for and constantly take for granted.  (Sorry, honey!  Nobody’s perfect.)

While communication is important, it is also important not to smother the other person.  Again, since we both suffer from insomnia, I tell him to go to sleep when I see it’s 4AM there and vice versa.  When he messages me at an odd hour and I respond immediately he asks, “Why are you up?!”  Sometimes we insist on staying up but at least we are acknowledging each other’s needs and making sure we’re not inconveniencing each other in any way.  When it comes down to it, a daily “I love you” and “Good morning/Goodnight” should suffice.

Trust is everything.

This should go without saying.  Since my boyfriend and I have gone through hell and back, this is really not an issue for us…but not everyone is as lucky to experience the level of security that we have.  Upon writing this post, I did some researching on what others had to say about sustaining a long-distance relationship.  I was surprised to see some say to scour the person’s social media to keep tabs on them and I must strongly disagree.  Maybe this is the issue with my generation’s style of dating.  I’ve heard so many of my friends in the past say, “I broke up with them because of snapchat/instagram/facebook.”  I guess I’m lucky in the sense that I use my social media as an open book because I have nothing to hide.  I tend to share everything regardless of whether or not it is the smartest thing to do.  My boyfriend, on the other hand, literally only uses the internet to play video games and to communicate with me/friends/family.  In fact, if I don’t personally message him directly about something I want him to see on the internet and simply tag him by comment or on my wall– he’ll never see it.  That’s how little he uses social media.

Give your wandering mind a rest and just focus on effective communication.  If you’re going to do something “bad”; something you know your partner will disapprove of– either don’t do it at all or tell them beforehand.  If you’re in a healthy relationship, your partner will appreciate the heads up.  Things only look more suspicious if they find out after-the-fact.

I’d like to conclude this post by sharing something so deeply personal to me: a poem I wrote whilst he slept next to me during one of our last days together.

breaker

               Originally written on June 30, 2017                

There, not here.

It’s hard to imagine
Life without you.
Without someone I’ve shared
Most of my adult years with.

Someone who
actively molded me into a better version of myself.
Someone who
always encouraged me when I was trapped in a void of helplessness.
Someone who
looked out for my best interests, even when I couldn’t realize it.

So for the last week
I started getting up earlier, realizing soon you won’t be there
to wake me every morning
to bring me coffee just the way I like it
to tell me it’s okay, when I have something dreadful planned that day.

Soon, I would have to face it all alone.
You’ll be there for me, but not here for me.
You’ll be there for me, but not present — here. For me.
& it would just about be the hardest thing I’ll endure.
Just being away, indefinitely.

You know I don’t like surprises, or unknowns for that matter.
I always read ahead to know what happens on a book-based t.v. show
Always open ears for spoilers provided by friends.
I just love knowing what is going to happen
& the control that comes with it,
But life can never play out that way.

So I memorized the ridges of your thumb
as it grazes the top of mine;
The way you place your dry hands on mine
to let me know you’re here — present.
They’re the same hands that has tickled me
and made me laugh against my will.
Even through tears of sadness literally shed moments before.
The same hands that has shocked me
multiple times, because they’re always so cold
(and you can never keep them off of me.)

I memorized
the weight of your arm around my shoulder
and the section of hair you like to twirl between your fingers.
I memorized
the structure of your chest and the comfort I gained from the shape
so that I may rebuild it out of pillows for when I get lonely
because I will get lonely — that is inevitable.
I memorized
your calming common sayings so that I may repeat them to myself
if I need to. Things like:
“I’ll come back for you.”
“You’re my priority.”
“This will be good for you in the long run.”
“I don’t know why I can’t express myself properly.”
“That’s not how life works.”
“I want to be with you forever.”

For moments when you’re “there” but not here.
For when I’m swimming in irrational thoughts of doubt,
almost eagerly forgetting that we’ve already survived
through tougher tribulations & came out stronger
from larger mistakes (made, on my part) and still —
you’re here.

You’ve always came back
and this shouldn’t be any different.
Time has proven more than once that
while I’m chasing dreams,
my only ambition is to be with you forever.
My heart will always be with you
& I won’t be whole
until the day you come back to me.

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Grievances (Taiwan Edition)

Well, I have lived in Taiwan for officially a week now.  Taiwan is not new to me, I have visited at least once annually since I was old enough to travel.  However, this is my first time residing in Taiwan which brought up a bunch of new experiences.  Some great, some…not so great.  While I want to build my blog to be an inspirational, uplifting space– I also want to air out some grievances as a new resident for sentimental reasons because there’s no such thing as a perfect place.  So here’s a ‘Top 3’ list of grievances for those who are aspiring to visit or live in Taiwan.

#3. Everything costs money (LITERALLY!)

Everything in Taiwan costs money, even the most mundane things I took for granted back in America.  For instance, parking.  I’m not talking about parking in a designated lot or garage where an hour costs $10.  I’m talking about parking IN GENERAL.

That’s right, in Taiwan if you park on the side of the street or ANYWHERE PUBLIC you will be billed for every 10 minutes.  Sure, it is insanely cheap and costs less than $1 USD per 10 minutes (in fact, you would have to be parked for 30 minutes before being billed in the amount of $1 USD).  Still, as someone who has yet received their first Taiwanese paycheck, this concept blows my mind.

What happens is, government officials constantly ride the streets over and over again ticketing cars every ten minutes.  I’m not going to lie, sometimes– maybe even most of the time– government officials are late and you get a break.  When I learned about this, I was lucky to not have someone stop by my car for 30 minutes and I only had to pay for the initial 10 minutes. However, because there is a timestamp of when the first ticket was issued, if someone had come by at the 40 minute mark I could have easily been ticketed for the time others missed.  I honestly wonder how much money is made on a daily basis just because someone drives a car.  The only exceptions are motor scooters which (to be fair) are the primary mode of transportation in this country.  However, it is worth mentioning that the traffic is so hectic here that if I were to get a motor scooter, I’d surely get run over.

#2. You can die from a common cold

Okay, that’s an exaggeration– I should explain myself better.  Taiwan is great in the sense that it has universal healthcare and since I am a citizen, I am insured.  Going to the doctor is also extremely convenient besides their odd hours.  Doctors break for lunch and dinner for 2-3 hours at a time, but also stay open until 9pm– I learned this the hard way when I shredded my left ankle around my Achilles tendon in a freak accident around lunchtime and literally NO ONE WAS OPEN. In America, not all doctors break for lunch.  If they do, it’s for one hour and if you want to see a doctor after 5pm you’d have to go to an urgent care or a hospital.  Another astounding difference is that American doctors have what they like to call “bedside manners”. They like to make small talk, are polite, and sensitive to your needs.  Whereas in Taiwan, patients are treated as if they are going through a revolving door.  They ask what’s wrong with you; you tell them; they type, type, type on their computer; they check you out; they type, type, type some more and BOOM!  You are diagnosed, with a prescription and out the door in 5 minutes. (No exaggeration– it really is that fast.) All of this, I don’t have a problem with. In fact, America could take some notes so every patient that makes an appointment doesn’t have to routinely wait an hour past their appointment time just to see a doctor.

The reason why I say “you can die from a common cold” is because upon coming here I got sick as anyone would going through an extensive amount of travel and adjusting to a new environment.  Getting medication for a common cold/flu was a TRIP!!!!  I was so sick, I didn’t want to go see a doctor no matter how convenient and quick it was.  Sorry, I was dying and I just wanted to go to a CVS/Walgreen, get me some Dayquil or Robitussin, and call it a day.  Seeing a doctor was not warranted in my situation.  But this is completely impossible and unfathomable in Taiwan.  In Taiwan, if you want to cure a common cold/flu you have to go to the doctor to get medicine.  If you don’t want to, there’s no such thing as a drug store.  (I mean, there is, but it’s full of herbal stuff and I wanted some grade-A western medicine in me.)  I had to go to a grocery store and still, consult a pharmacist before I could get my hands on some standard cold/flu western medicine that is literally 2x more expensive here, than it is in America.  LAME!

#1 Government sanctioned banks are the WORST

One of the many processes I had to go through moving and working in another country was opening a bank account.  Sounds simple enough right?  In America, you can just go to a Wells Fargo or Chase and say “Hey, I need to open up an account!” You get escorted to a person wearing a suit sitting at a desk, show them a couple of IDs to verify your identity, talk about what kind of account you want, and skip on out with a checkbook and debit card the same day all in the matter of half an hour at most.  Not in Taiwan! Ha, ha, no!  That’d be too easy! Would you believe if I said it literally took me two whole days to open one bank account?  And that I am technically not finished with the process to obtain the type of bank account I want?!  Well, it is the truth!  Let me walk you through the many hoops I had to jump through in order to open a bank account in Taiwan.

First of all, because I work at a university, I had to open a bank account at a government sanctioned bank so the university can directly deposit money into my bank account.  These are a lot different from other banks and require more paperwork because it is through the government.  When I first went, I had to pull a number to be seen and it was already a 2-hour wait.  Upon speaking with someone, they said I needed a valid Taiwanese ID, and a signature seal/stamp.  Already, we had hit a wall because my ID was two years old with an old address on it and I didn’t have a chinese seal.

Chinese Signature Seal
An example of a signature seal/stamp. Yes, they still use these.

We were advised to go to the county court to update the ID since we had to wait two hours to speak to a teller anyway.  We went to the West district county court because it was the closest courthouse to the bank we were at.   We were quickly turned away because you could only update your ID in your district.  Since we lived in the North district, we had to go to the North district county court.  (This was a brand new law that we were completely unaware of.)  Getting your ID updated is similar to going to the DMV, so there was a wait before we talked to someone and found out they need documentation that I was a Taiwanese citizen besides my ID (i.e. my passport).  They also needed my American passport since they knew I was born in America.  So, we went home and grabbed every form of identification I had and went back to the North District courthouse.

Blah, blah, blah two hours later, I had my brand new ID in hand, with the updated address.  My father and I quickly ran to the bank only to find that it was closed. WHAT!  Banks close at 3pm and this is common knowledge amongst all Taiwanese people including the cab driver who didn’t think to say anything when we asked to go there after it had closed.  Rude. We had to wait to get it done the next day.  Second day we went, we arrived right as the bank opened and still it was an hour and 15-minute wait.  I was dumbfounded!  At least this time, I had my seal made and on my person.

Four hours and a million security questions later which included my education-level; my American social security number; my parents’ names; my Chinese birthday (yes, it is different from my normal birthday); where I lived (and when I didn’t know where I lived, that became a thing); etc., etc., etc. I had FINALLY successfully opened a bank account.  HOWEVER, before I could use it, I had to activate it by depositing money into it which meant I had to pull another number just to go to a different teller.  One that wasn’t responsible for opening accounts but depositing money.  Oh yes, there was a difference and handled by different personnel.  To this day, I don’t understand how Taiwan can operate.  Seriously, who has the time to be like, “I can’t come to work today, I have to go to the bank.  It is literally going to take all day.” It is absolutely ridiculous!  I even counted how many stamps they had to use because I needed a signature seal.  The process is sooo old school, a teller needs to use more than 15 different stamps/seals of approval on 8 different forms for me to open an account.  They had computers there, but all looked like they were straight from the 80’s (not 90’s) and were barely touched besides by me, setting a PIN for the ATM.

As I stated earlier I still don’t have the type of account that I want because it’d be, yet again, a completely different process.  The type of account? One that accepts foreign currency allowing me to transfer money I have in my American bank account into my Taiwanese one.  It’s not done yet because after 4 hours, I was EXHAUSTED!  To be honest, I may have developed PTSD from this entire experience and now feel like having that capability might not be so important.  I’ll do it when I need it, which may be inevitable…but, it’ll be months before I physically step foot in that bank again.  There were people even pulling numbers to convert their coins into bills waiting an upwards of an hour to do it.  Again, WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT?  IT’S INSANE!

Now you can see why I decided to list a couple of grievances after my first week in Taiwan.  God forbid someone wants to teach English here and have to run around town all over the place like I did, taking more than one day just to open a bank account or die from a common cold because they just want some western medicine in their system…I should’ve coughed and breathed on everything while I was going around town out of spite.

So to recap:

  1. If you’re brave enough, invest in a motor scooter to avoid parking fees literally everywhere you go.  I’m not brave enough which is why I have a car– and again, parking fees aren’t bad it’s just lame that it exists at all.
  2. Smuggle western common cold/flu medicine unless you are willing to pay twice as much for it here and have to consult a pharmacist before you can even lay eyes on a box of cold/flu medicine.  That or, wait 20 minutes amongst sicker people to see a doctor who’s going to tell you in 2 seconds things that you already know to get the medicine you need.
  3. Bring a sleeping bag to the bank because there isn’t ANYTHING fixing that system.  The only upside to government sanctioned banks is once you’re done, YOU ARE DONE.
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Facing Animosity

I used to be a real insecure and paranoid creature thanks to the numerous years of bullying and animosity I faced during my adolescent years.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't care what people thought of me nowadays, but I give myself credit where credit is due. I've gotten better, more confident, and mindful about my capabilities. This was no easy feat. [Click here to read "The Upside of Being Told 'No' and why it is important to stay motivated.]

As you might have guessed by now, my life's motto is to not worry about things that I have no control over.  One of the biggest things that comes with that is recognizing that no matter what, people in this world are going to judge you, hate you, and discourage you everywhere you go.  Whether its calling you ugly, stupid, or simply not good enough– these types of attitudes are simply unavoidable. It sucks, but it is the truth. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can learn to love yourself.

Most people are egocentric.  They only live in their world, and only experience things as they perceive it.  A person might road rage out against to someone who cuts them off on the road but fail to see the person who cut them off is an elder with poor vision or a parent with rambunctious children in the back, trying to drive whilst simultaneously calming them down. A supervisor might lash out on an employee producing unsatisfactory work not realizing that employee has other things on his mind like a sick family member or experiencing the heavy burden of debt obtained from simply raising a family and/or buying a home.  The supervisor, themselves, might have adopted a more abrasive personality because of all the years they were told they weren't assertive enough and they're dealing with their own pressures that come with wanting to climb the corporate ladder and succeed in life.   It is even possible that there is no "reason" but are all real, honest mistakes! (People make those!  It's life!  Nobody's perfect!  Chill out!)  None of these are great reasons to excuse this type of behavior, mind you, but they are examples of how the situation simply cannot be helped.  

You cannot control what other people say, think, or do to you.  But, you can control how you internalize and react to it.

I'm speaking strictly in terms of facing animosity.  Not to those who are giving legitimate constructive criticism or advice you don't want to hear– that's in a whole other league of its own.  When someone is being awful to you and being mean toward you for seemingly no rhyme or reason it's important to keep these in mind:

It is them, not you.

If someone is throwing shade at you I can say with 99.8% confidence it is more of their problem than it is your problem.  Maybe they're having a bad day, or just a bad life in general. They have no other way to process their negative emotions other than to project it onto others.  It is unhealthy, and it shouldn't happen, but it does.  It could happen unintentionally because the person has some type of depression making them susceptible to irritability/agitation/mood swings; or it could happen intentionally because the person is projecting their own insecurities and jealousies onto you so they can feel better about themselves. Regardless of their intention, it should make you feel better that it is their deal more than it is yours.

Stay mindful, be kind.

Recognize that since it is their own issues disguised as hate towards you to not take it personally.  Don't add fuel to the fire for it only justifies their negative thoughts/actions towards you.  There's a reason why "kill them with kindness" is a saying.  Stay kind, even when it is so extremely difficult.  Stay kind because when other people get wind of this type of animosity, those who are close to them may start to question why they are mean you.  It is definitely a long game to play, but in the end it all works out.  Karma is real and ruthless.  Be kind, spread love, and you'll get it in return in ten-folds.

In high school, I was bullied relentlessly.  Every day, it was a new thing.  I had one girl spread the nastiest rumors about me and I never cared.  One time she told the entire school I was a closet lesbian who liked to peep at other girls showering post-P.E. class.  When I got wind of it I couldn't help but laugh and said, "Ew, since when did people use the showers at school?!?" (Hint: no one did.  The showers in the locker rooms were always musty and questionably "clean" because literally no one ever used them.) So when the rumors changed that I was just a closet lesbian, I was happy because I have been a LGBTQIA advocate since 1995 and went around saying, "You know, sexual orientation isn't a choice…but this is possibly the kindest rumor you could have ever made about me."  I knew I wasn't gay!  Not only was I not gay, I didn't see anything wrong with being gay so I didn't care who thought I was.  It literally affected me none.  After 4 years enduring rumor after rumor, sometimes even enduring physical harm (yes, I've been beaten up and had things thrown at me too times in my lifetime), the girl behind most of it apologized to me which brings me to my next point…

Forgiveness is a POWERFUL thing.

Senior year, during the last week of school, the girl who made my life hell throughout my high school experience apologized to me.  It was unexpected but very deeply appreciated which is why after ten years, I still haven't forgotten about it.  She did it in private, without her cohorts who typically egged her on but regardless…her eyes welled up with tears so I knew the amount of sincerity that came with the apology.  She hugged me– and it wasn't a polite, obligated type of hug.  She held me tight, it was prolonged, and for a moment, she wept into my shoulder.  "I don't know why I did the things that I did, it wasn't me, and I'm sorry I never got a chance to be friends with you."  When we pulled away from the hug, she held both my hands and squeezed them.  It meant the world to me.  We were both crying at this point, just letting it all out.  I never retaliated against her, I just took it.  If I had fought fire with fire, I doubt that it would've played out the way it did.

I forgave her.  She thanked me.  We moved on.

An apology too late is better than an apology that never comes.  Maybe she felt the same way and just wanted to be lifted from all the guilt from every horrible thing she ever did to me before we left our separate ways to college. I had the choice to hold onto that grudge for the rest of my life and make her live knowing the damage she did to me, but forgiveness is often for yourself more than it is for the person asking for it.   I had the power to absolve her from all that guilt, and I did. Sometimes they never apologize!  It is still your duty to forgive because it is the right thing to do and a necessity to move on.  Trust me when I say that there are still plenty of people out in the world who did me wrong, and are still continuously spreading hate and saying mean things about me.  Rest assured, while they are talking crap about my back, I've forgiven and forgotten about them a long time ago.  It isn't until I get wind of it through a mutual friend that I typically just feel touched and honored that someone is still wasting energy talking about me at all.  Sometimes I legitimately have to remind myself who they even are since I typically cut off toxic relationships to lead a healthy life.  That's the way it should be.  Just ignore it all!  If and when they come to their senses to apologize, I will forgive and tell them I did forever ago. It isn't easy, but those who can find the courage to do so will lead much healthier, happier lives.

When facing animosity, the only way the aggressors win is if you acknowledge it, let it get you down, and justify their wrong by fueling the hate with your own way of retaliation.  Recognize your worth.  Realize it is them, not you.  Stay mindful, be kind, and always, always forgive.

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A Crash Course to Financial Awareness

This topic has been suggested to me a lot lately and I was initially hesitant to write it because I don’t claim to be a financial adviser in any way shape or form! So proceed with CAUTION!  These are just things I’ve learned from living and doing.  Don’t expect any legitimate strategies here!  However, I do have a couple of tips and tricks up my sleeve that often times surprise my friends who are stumbling through adulthood like me, and aimlessly trying to figure out how money works.  I am often surprised myself when some of my friends haven’t heard of some resources I’ve become so accustomed to and integrated with my everyday life.  So here it is: A Crash Course to Financial Awareness.

Budgeting

Budgeting is tedious and boring, I’m not even going to lie about it.  However, it is absolutely needed and requires a lot of diligence.  The good thing is, if you’re meticulous enough, you’ll only really need to do it once and just tweak the original for the rest of your life.  There are two ways to go about this you can either plan it or live it– depending on your comfort level.

  1. Planning it is easy enough if you have been on your own for a while and have a steady income.  How much do you make a month?  How much do you spend a month? Make each expense a line item (gas, groceries, monthly subscriptions, rent, etc.) From here you should be able to gauge what can be adjusted.  For instance, if you’re spending $200 a month on manicures and $150 a month on Starbucks coffee alone whilst living literally paycheck-to-paycheck, you probably need to readjust your priorities.
  2. Living it – Let’s say you just started a new job or work part-time with an hourly wage and you have no idea what your average monthly income is but you’ve been living your life long enough to realize “erm…I’m incurring a little bit of debt and must learn how to budget like, yesterday.” Better late than never! However, if your situation is harder to figure out what you have and what you are lacking– just live your life for a month whilst carefully monitoring your expenses and work backwards from there.  Figure out how much your monthly expenses are, how much you need in order to pay all of your bills in full, and what you can cut in order to make those payments.

Contingency Fund

As soon as you figure out your budget, you need to prioritize and designate a small portion of your net income to build a contingency fund.  Most people don’t have a contingency fund– in which case, a solid $1,000 will do if you’re just starting out.  That’s just generally speaking— $1,000 can get you out of a lot of trouble.  In truth, everyone has a different idea of what a contingency fund should be and it really is subjective to the individual.  My personal contingency fund is $4k which is equivalent to 2 months of work because I am a very, very paranoid and well-prepared person.  That isn’t to say I starved myself to death for 2 months until I had $4k in my savings account.  (I definitely wouldn’t advise that.)  It was slowly built up over time, throwing change here and there until finally one day I had a solid, stagnant $4k sitting in savings.  Some people say 2 weeks of work alone makes a solid contingency fund; others 1 month.  In the end, it is up to the individual, but is an absolute necessity.  When in doubt, save $1k.

Credit Cards — a double-edged sword

Credit cards are inherently evil.  Why would anyone pay more for something they don’t already have the money for is beyond me.  However, it’s a necessity if you really think about.  It’s hard to build up credit for yourself unless you have a credit card.  Yet, with a credit card, it’s so easily to fall in the pit of debt. That is why before I got my first credit card, my father said I was only allowed one if and only if I was able to pay off the full balance each and every month.  It is because of this that my credit score is currently in the 700s.  To this day, I pay off my full monthly balance of my credit card.  A credit card can still really help you out when you’re tight on funds; I just wouldn’t advise using it past the point of your ability to fully pay it off.  Honestly, once you cross that line, it’s really difficult to recover.  If you don’t already have a credit card, or looking to get another one, here’s a couple of things to consider: get one that offers a high % cash back on purchases, low APR– or better yet– extended period of 0% APR after initial sign-up, and NO ANNUAL FEE.  My first credit card had an annual fee of $89/year and offered absolutely no cash back benefits! So, be careful and don’t fall into that trap.

Investing in Stocks/401(K)/(Roth) IRAs

I tell everyone that you’re never too young to start investing in stocks.  I paid off more than 50% of my student loans accrued from graduate school with money I gained from investing in stocks within one year.  (For reference, I had taken out a $40k student loan to pay for my graduate school tuition.) People always ask me, “how much do you need in order to start investing?” For real, you can invest with $5, but I always tell people $1,500 to have a good, solid, account.  I have been blessed with a financially literate father who always encouraged me to learn stock trading and be interested in these things.  While honestly it still hasn’t caught my genuine “interest” it is still amazing that I have yet paid-out-of-pocket with the money I earn from working, to my student loans.  My stock account is on a monthly $500 automatic withdrawal to which I commit 100% of it to my monthly student loan payments (which is also more than double the minimum amount so I can pay it off faster, with less interest. #Protip.)

I’m not a stock broker and I can’t tell you what to invest in or what to do with your money. All I can say is: buy what you like, figure out which stocks you’re going to keep long-term/short-term and then just go for it.  Don’t freak out if you experience a loss because most often than not, stocks go back up.  So don’t sell just because it is trending downwards, just wait a bit.  Better to make a little, than to lose a lot.  As Warren Buffett says, “Rule #1: Never Lose Money. Rule #2: Never Forget Rule #1.”

401(k)s are a little bit different, I wouldn’t get one with your company unless you are willing to devote a chunk of your lifetime to it.  Most companies have a vesting policy (meaning you have to stay a certain period of time in order to keep all of it.) I was a little salty with my former company because they told me I had to work a full year before I can opt into their 401(k).  This is not true. You should be able to opt for a 401(k) the day you sign on with a company.  The question is then, how much should you pay into it?  You should pay into however much the company is willing to match.  ALWAYS! Because whatever you don’t pay into, is a waste– you’re missing out “free” money the company is willing to match!  Overpaying into it, well you’re just being a fool and losing out money that you can use to build up your personal savings account or your IRA (more on that later).  Again, I emphasize to only get a 401(k) if you know for a fact you will stay with your company for at least 5 years.  Some companies are really open about their vesting policy, some are not. (Trust me, you don’t want to find out the hard way!) In my personal case, because my company said I had to work a full year in order to pay into my 401(k), I instead put the money I would’ve paid into it, into my stock trading account to further assist my ability to pay off my student loans.

IRA or “Individual Retirement Account” is SUPER important because not many people think about retirement until it is way too late.  A general rule of thumb states that you’d need 25x of your annual income to retire happy and healthy.  For instance, if your annual income averages around $40k, then you’d need $1 million dollars in savings by the time you retire.  This is across the board, generally speaking.  For a more accurate estimate (keyword: ESTIMATE) you can use this retirement calculator to figure out how much you need to retire happy and healthy.  Now, if the idea of $1,000,000 freaks you out, just imagine realizing that when you’re in your 40s or 50s and are nowhere close to even having that.  (It happens!)  This is why I tell people around the age of 25 or so to start saving up for their IRA because we got a long way to go, kids!

There’s two types of IRA accounts: Traditional, and Roth.  Yes, there are differences between the two, but I’m not going to get into it here.  (As if my blog posts aren’t already long enough.)  You can read the specific differences between the two here. They both have a contribution limit of $5.5k (as of 2017) or $6.5k if you’re over 50.  Both have tax incentives but differentiate on when you can obtain a tax break.  Contributions are tax-deductible for the years you contribute to Traditional IRAs whereas Roth IRAs, you avoid taxes when you withdraw after retirement age.  That is the biggest difference between the two.  In simplest layman’s terms, if you are older and/or earn a much higher income– get a Traditional IRA.  If you are younger, don’t care about obtaining annual tax breaks for every year you contribute, and want tax-free earnings and withdrawals in retirement, get a Roth IRA.  I have a Roth IRA.  One is not better than the other. It literally depends on what you want.

A lot of people get 401(k)s and IRAs confused.  While both are for the sake of retirement, just know that 401(k)s are employer-sponsored since they match contributions, whereas IRAs are set-up by the individual so in terms of investment, there is a lot more freedom because you’re in control of it.

 Rebates and Rewards

When you absolutely can’t help succumbing to your buying needs– at least do it smart!  There are a lot of reward/rebate programs out there in the world!  For instance, remember earlier where I mentioned if you spend $150 on Starbucks you’d probably need to readjust your priorities?  You’d probably regret it a little less if you were part of their rewards program.  By that rate, you’d get two free drinks a month, not to mention free in-store refills.  I still get surprised every time someone who frequents Starbucks still isn’t a member of their rewards program.  Back in my day you just needed to visit 30 times in one year to achieve gold status.  Nowadays you need to spend $150 in one year to achieve gold status.  Then again, if you’re already spending $150/month on Starbucks, you’ll achieve that status in just 1 month.  Just think of all the perks you’ve been missing out on all this time! (Including a cute gold card personalized with your name!)

I keep all my punch cards to everywhere that offers them even if it means digging through my purse and holding up the line for 15 minutes.  I don’t care.  If there’s a deal, I’ll get it.  My phone is also cluttered with food apps specific to one food joint that offers rewards as well.  These companies make it hard to track your points for a reason–so you’d forget and not redeem anything.  But if you’re a crazy person like me, who’s into extreme couponing and hoarding apps/punch cards…a little goes a long way.  It’s like when you have absolutely no money, but dig in your car for a good 5 minutes and find $5 in change!  Doing things like that and keeping track of everything always adds up in the end.

Honest to God, my favorite thing it the whole wide world is Ebates.com which is an online rebate site. How it works is you sign-up for an Ebates account and shop on your favorite online retailers’ website and when you checkout you can earn up to 40% cash back (some places even offer rebates from Ebates in-store now — whaaat?!?!) I’ve been using Ebates since I was literally in college and now have earned over $300 in rebates in my entire history of using this thing.  Typically, I tell people of this site and they won’t even look at it– they think it’s too good to be true and it’s a scam.  All I have to say to them is, “Fine, don’t save money, I don’t care!!”  If you click on this link and sign-up you’ll get $10 of credit courtesy of ME to put towards your first purchase in any of the bazillion gazillion retail stores Ebates have a partnership with.  Just kidding, “bazillion gazillion” isn’t a real number but check out Ebates yourself and see just how many retailers they have listed eligible for rebates! It’s insane!  They even got Amazon for 3% cash back on there! I get skeptical every time someone refuses to check it out.  You’re really missing out if you do a lot of online shopping like me.  They literally direct deposit the rebate into your bank account.  Don’t want to give your banking information away?  Fine, they will mail you a check.  They literally CANNOT make it easier for you to earn your cash back so why anyone would be hesitant on signing up for something like this is beyond me.  It works, trust me.

Freeloading & Rent where you can.

Did you know you can have multiple accounts for Hulu, Netflix, AND Amazon Prime?!?  I’m only mentioning this because while budgeting, monthly subscriptions are typically the first to go.  That, and downgrading to generic products when buying groceries.  Amazon Prime especially has a share feature where the person who already has prime can add you into their “household” and you can reap all the benefits from them using your own account!  So if you know someone who already has Amazon Prime, ask if you can bum off of them by getting them to add you into their “household” until you can get the funds to get your own.  You can always get a free one month trial of Amazon Prime on your own as with most subscriptions. (Just be sure to keep track of it because they will charge you after trial period.)

Netflix and Hulu is a little bit harder to share but maybe your bestie/fam won’t mind giving you their login information.  Just don’t be a jerk and watch on their profile and mess up their viewing settings!  Be courteous and always make your own profile if someone is nice enough to let you borrow theirs!  Netflix also offers one month free trial just like Prime, Hulu on the other hand, offers a free trial for two weeks. (Again, be mindful of that trial period!)

You can also rent things rather than buy items you know you only need for a short period of time.  I don’t mean renting a place to stay, or even renting furniture/electronics.  Be careful with lease-to-own retailers because typically you’ll end up paying more than what it is worth paying it outright.  I’ve known some people falling into that trap.  After doing a little math, they come to realize by the time they are done paying for it, they have paid enough to own two of what they rented because of lease-to-own.  Remember– those types of retail stores need to make money some way too!  While it seems like you’re getting a deal while paying for it, in the long run you’re really better off just buying the item outright.  A great example of an item to rent instead of own are college textbooks.  Throughout my higher education experience I probably bought textbooks for one whole academic year before realizing how much money I was losing from buying textbooks.  The buyback value are always next to nothing compared to what you bought it for, even if you bought it USED!  I quickly learned to rent my textbooks from online or resort to ebooks (you can buy/rent those too! Buying ebooks is already substantially cheaper than buying the real book, if the option is available.) There are many sites that offer textbook rental but my personal favorite is Chegg (which you can get 3% cashback with Ebates! FULL CIRCLE!) In fact, renting from Chegg throughout college was how I got most of my money from Ebates.  Even if they didn’t have Ebates, Chegg has very low prices for renting textbooks AND they are a very philanthropic company which I LOVE.  I love supporting their philanthropic efforts from planting a tree for every textbook you rent to providing various scholarships, and MORE.  So, if you’re a student looking to rent a textbook, please consider Chegg because they honestly do good work.  (#NotSponsored– that’s how much I love them.)

Once more, full disclosure, I’m an Arts major– I don’t know anything about finance (or at least have the education/degrees to back up any of the information I’ve disclosed here.) This is just stuff I learned from doing, mainly because my father did his due diligence in informing me and teaching me these things.  I got all of this from word of mouth and honestly, might not have gotten some things 100% correct; but it’s gotten me this far! I’m still alive and not starving to death on the street.  Did I get something wrong?  Do you have something else to add?  Did you learn something? Not learn something?  Did I put you to sleep?! Let me know in the comments below and start a discussion because as always, I’m eager to learn more and hear from you!

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Departure: How to Leave Gracefully

Monday, July 31st will mark my final day at my very first full-time job as a legal clerk.

Leaving is never easy, even when it is on your own terms.  I love(d) my job at this law firm I’ve devoted the past two years of my life to.  This particular job has given me so many life lessons including (but not limited to) how to multi-task, be self-sufficient, and prioritize; how to communicate effectively with coworkers and with clients that have debilitating mental/physical impairments trapped horrible situations like homelessness or living with a terminal diagnosis. I also developed a higher appreciation for TV shows like “The Office” & “Parks & Recreation” realizing office archetypes do exist in real-life (lol.)

Let’s be real– not many people stay at their very first job for the rest of their life, or their second, or even their third.  Only the lucky ones do.  It is only natural for someone to accept a better opportunity in their lifetime and move on.  Sometimes people don’t even have the luxury of departing on their own terms and have to leave because of other external circumstances.  Departure is simply unavoidable at times and the five stages of grief may be experienced by you, and your workplace.  When facing departure, people often fall between two sides of a spectrum– anticipating the departure, or making the best of it.

In this blog, I will be speaking about my own personal experience which not everyone may agree with, but I believe is a right thing to do.

Anticipating the departure, in my opinion, is what most people default to.  You’re excited to get out of your current job and move onto the next.  You absolutely cannot wait because maybe your new job offers a lot of things your old job couldn’t satisfy.  It could be more pay, more responsibility, or simply embody more personal interest.  The downside of this mentality is that people most often “give up” or “stop caring” about their current job and scrape on by with minimal effort until their last day because what are they going to do?  Fire you?  You’re leaving anyway, who cares!  There is nothing wrong with this mentality since I’ve stated before most people default to this.  It is natural to just let go and make your old job responsibility your successor’s problem.

The issue with this way of thinking applies to the 80/20 rule or Pareto principle.  Most people are familiar with the 80/20 rule as it applies to business/economics which states 80% of your outcomes comes from 20% of your input.  As in 20% of product/hard work accounts for 80% of your financial gain. However, this blog isn’t about business or economics– it’s about personal life choices.  Here’s how the pareto principle may apply to “anticipating departure”:

Perhaps you were initially unsatisfied with your current position which motivated you into finding a new opportunity in the first place.  You were 80% satisfied with your current position but for some reason, the 20% of what you lacked shifted your priorities and motivation one day.  So you began seeking the missing 20% in the form of a new job opportunity (i.e. pay, self-interest, etc.)  Maybe this next opportunity is absolutely perfect and end up being your forever-job.  That would be the absolute best case scenario.  However, as with all unknowns– there’s a 50/50 chance that it might not be since nobody is a fortune teller.  The 80/20 rule is a double-edged sword in the sense that what you gain from the 20% you initially seeked, you are now lacking in the 80% job satisfaction that you had with your previous job. That would be the absolute worst case scenario. (Click here to read “Change & How to Embrace it” where I mention evaluating best/worst case scenarios for new situations.) 

It is no secret that I think too much and why I’m such an excellent tetris and chess player. I am constantly planning 10 steps ahead for every move I make because I’m a crazy person.  Fun fact: my AIM username back in the day was ObsessiveFreak89 and I have been obsessively planning my life since the age of 5.  Every plan has a back-up plan, and every back-up plan has a back-up, back-up plan.  It is the sole reason I never burn bridges, I just temporarily close them.  Always.  This is a lesson I learned from working in entertainment because you just NEVER KNOW who you will run into and be working with next so, might as well always do your best so no one has a reason to hate you.

I chose to make the best of my departure.

I gave my job two months notice rather than a two week notice knowing full well that my job is very specialized, highly technical, and meticulous.  It wasn’t like I was moving across the street, I am moving across the world so I felt a well-deserved heads up was warranted so they could find a suitable candidate to take over my position.  I worked ahead so that the workflow for my successor would be light, giving them time to adjust and learn the job. (Three months to be exact…I mentioned I was a crazy person, right?!)  I do law stuff so it’s downright next to impossible to get everything correct in a day (or two weeks) no matter how smart you are– that’s just reality.  I created a detailed instruction manual with screenshots because I literally have four bosses/supervisors that all do things differently and it would be difficult for anyone to keep up with their individual wants/needs especially with two of them working remotely in another city.  I came in early to double check my replacement’s work done the day before and reviewed any mistakes I caught with them once they came in, using that time to answer any questions they may have had. I also stayed late to finish any work my supervisors only entrusted to me because of its level of difficulty.

The best advice I ever received was to not worry about things I have absolutely no control over, so I recognized everything I did have control over, and tried to make things better and easier all in the interest of the company, unprompted.

Of course, I prefaced this blog by saying I’m speaking from my own personal experience that everyone may not agree with. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t stressing myself out with superfluous work during my last days in the office.  Even still, I genuinely believe that this is the right thing to do if you want to leave gracefully.  I’ve made jokes around the office that I might return from Taiwan wearing nothing but rags and soot all over my face groaning, “Please take me back…”— because anything is possible. I don’t know what will happen in the next stage of my life, but either way I’m excited! I made the best of my departure by making leaving on good terms my priority.  This is in no way a #humblebrag though some may see it as such– I’ve been doing this with every single job I’ve had to leave in the past and I always heard the same thing from co-workers, “You’re leaving!  Who cares!”

I care.  Too much, sometimes.  I wished others did as well because honestly, it is just good practice/great work ethic.  Not only will you leave your company in good shape, you will have many people within the organization willing to vouch for your good work and want to be listed as a reference.  Even without the potential of references, it should give you a peace of mind knowing you did all you could to do something good, especially if you were an integral part of the organization.  The world is a small place, so make good where you can!

As long as you continually to do your best, you’ll never fail.  Even if it doesn’t work out, always depart gracefully.

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The Upside of Being Told ‘No.’

There are two main types of people in the world.  People who get discouraged from being told “no” and people who become motivated from being told “no.”

I am the latter, and I have been since I was a child.  I have been performing since I was very young.  I was in competitive gymnastics and dance; was learning music and acting; and went to Saturday school for mathematics and Mandarin Chinese. Being a small child involved in too many things, raised in an immigrant household with parents born in the 1950s– you bet your bottom I was being told “no” a lot. I learned early on that “no” was discipline.  “No” meant that I was doing something wrong– that there was still something left to learn and improve on. It didn’t mean I was worthless, stupid or incapable of improving.  “No” to me, meant I am supposed to know better, do better, be better.

When I attended graduate school for administration with a focus on nonprofit organizations, I learned that it is much easier to turn a “no” to a “yes” than a “yes” to a “no.”  So it is no wonder why “no” is a more frequent answer in  everyday life than “yes.”  It is for that very reason that I never take “no” personally, or as a definitive answer.  A person who says “no” to me today, can say “yes” to me a different day.  This is truth especially in theatre.  I’ve left countless auditions with a no, but greeted with a yes from the same director for a different, more suitable opportunity.

When I completed graduate school I spent approximately 5-months stuck in a postgraduate depression.  No one ever told me that postgraduate depression was a thing.  It was something that consumed me and I had to discover and understand on my own, completely blind.  My graduate program had set me up with a lot of real-life hands-on experience that I wouldn’t have ever obtained on my own like creating a cultural food program literally from the ground up called “Taste of Taiwan” for Asia Society Texas Center with money granted from Taiwan Economic and Cultural Office.  I assisted the rebranding and transition of leadership at Queensbury Theatre, formerly known as Country Playhouse, implementing a strategic social media marketing plan which more than doubled their online presence by the time my internship was over.  Real, nitty gritty groundwork that resulted in legitimate success and fruitfulness which wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for my hard work and my passion to succeed– to surpass all the “no” that has thrown in my way throughout my lifetime.  Still, after graduate school I began feeling like a small worker ant.  Who cares if I did any of that?  Did any of it even matter?  I had been called the “poster child” of my graduate program– an overachiever who had been fortunate enough to never know failure. In the end, it all amounted to nothing.

After graduate school, I worked a thankless job in press media making $12 an hour with only 12 hours a week.  Within that limited amount of time per week, I had to come up with three articles and a comprehensive list of events.  No really, I had to come up with at least 150 new things to do around the city every single week.  Did I mention I was also an editor?  I drowned more than I swam.  I needed an out without going back to retail and food.  I refused to go back to those types of minimum wage jobs with a master’s degree even though I technically made more money waiting tables than I did being an editor.  I finally landed an interview with a Fortune 500 company.

This was it.  This was the place I wanted to be.  A social media marketing manager for a company that made a computer software aimed for people who wanted to get into real estate.  A baby company that had just started less than 5 years ago at the time.  They were focused, on the road of success– and I was convinced I was going to get it.  I landed the initial interview, and passed the second round which tested my skills in HTML/CSS; writing marketing blog posts; and email campaigns that will bypass spam filters.  (Since we were selling something, email servers automatically sort that stuff out because of keywords used.  I had a brief stint working for a third-party contracted by Google so I was already too aware of these things– but, I digress.) I passed the second round and found myself going to the third and final round of the interview. If I pass this, I got the job, I thought to myself over and over again on my way over to their office location.  I got to meet the CEO of the company who was pretty young, probably in his mid-to-late thirties.  The interview went swimmingly until he asked me– “Why should I hire you?  You’re fresh out of graduate school with no real-world experience.”  I froze and stumbled around for an answer.  I had “real-world” experience from my graduate program but, the CEO would have none of it.  He didn’t care about my brief stints here and there coordinated by my university– that was something I had to do to graduate, not something I accomplished on my own accord.  He didn’t care about the marketing strategies and theories I knew because he knew the real results– the advantages and disadvantages of everything from doing it all in real life.  How do I compare?  What have I contributed to the world outside of what I’ve done in school?  I word vomited all over his desk afraid that if I gave the impression of being hesitant or naive, it’d surely end me and the interview.

You just need to take a leap of faith.  There’s nothing I can’t do that I put my mind to. I always want to improve, to be efficient, and the best.  I’m an overachiever, and there’s no obstacle I cannot overcome.

Ageism is a real thing in this world and there’s nothing to combat it.  To this day, I don’t know the “correct” answer to a question regarding lack of real-world experience.  This is exactly why postgraduate depression is so real and such a heavy burden.  When a student graduates, they are often in debt because of student loans with no “real-world experience” to help them land a decent job to pay the loans off.  They start questioning themselves, their ability, even their intelligence.  Even after spending thousands of dollars on a fancy piece of paper that says they know something, people too frequently disregard it anyway!  I never got that job…they opted for someone with more experience (predictably, so).  However, around the same time I got another gig working a play for a theatre company.

Theatre is humbling work.  I could never make a living off of it unless I devoted my entire soul into it– and even then, I might not ever make it.  A typical non-equity theatre job pays around $600 for three months of work, so you really have to love it to not mind the low pay.  I’ve accepted it a long time ago.  Theatre is not my hobby and I get offended when people try to say it is such.  It is my life-long passion and my one true love.  It is the only thing that makes me genuinely happy.  It was through this theatre gig as a random crew member, changing the set in-between scenes for a show, that eventually led to my first full-time job as a legal clerk at a law firm for the next two years.  I was referred by an actor– whose day job was a paralegal and his company needed a VERY immediate replacement.  I dropped everything, applied, and pretty much quit my job as a part-time editor as soon as I was hired on.

“No” isn’t the end of the world. Often times, it leads to something better. If a potential employer/partner is not willing to take a “leap of faith” on you, take a leap of faith on life and realize maybe God has other plans for you.  Maybe you were meant for something else, something greater. Maybe this “no” is diverting your path to somewhere else– somewhere you were destined to go, with more happiness and self-fulfillment than you could ever imagine on the other side.  Even though I didn’t get hired at the Fortune 500 company, I feel like I wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much as I ended up enjoying my full-time job as a legal clerk.  I would’ve been making more money, but I would’ve been essentially a salesperson rather than doing what I really love to do (which is helping people; hence, studying nonprofit.) Though being a legal clerk still had nothing to do with the many years I devoted to studying theatre for my higher education, it still managed to lead me back to my true passion in the form of a job opportunity– becoming an English/Theatre professor at a university in Taiwan.  I definitely would have never received such an offer had I not sacrificed a couple of years getting some “real-world experience.”

Combat every “no” you get in life with a “yes” of your own because YES, you can make the best out of every single situation. Every “no” brings in an opportunity to show the declining party that they were wrong about you, that it was a mistake to pass you up, that you are more brilliant than anyone could ever anticipate.  Remember that it is easier to change a “no” to a “yes” than it is to change a “yes” to a “no.”  “No” is NOT and will NEVER be a definitive answer. Never get discouraged by a “no”.  Always become motivated, stay focused, and show the world your worth.

Go out knowing better, doing better, being better.

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Change & How to Embrace It

Change can be a scary thing.  The fear of the unknown, the uncontrollable, can render a person into a sheer ball of anxiety dipped in depression wrapped up in a fragile foil of insecurity, self-doubt, with the overweighing sense of isolation.  I know this feeling all too well– having experienced it before.

In 2002 in the middle of my 7th grade school year, I learned that I had to leave the only home I knew in Fort Worth, Texas to Beijing, China.  If moving wasn’t hard enough, I was about to make my first move by leaping over the Pacific Ocean into another country, another world– a world I never knew or had a taste of.  A country with a completely different type of government.  A country that embodied a completely different culture, spoke a different language.  Though I was fortunate enough to be raised bilingual in Mandarin Chinese, I had always identified as an all-American gal.  I was scared. I recall crying myself to sleep every night for the next three months.  I would get publicly upset when my father would bring up his big promotion at going-away dinner parties– my father has always been popular, so there was more than one dinner party I’d burst into tears and pretty much ruined the vibe.  (Whoops, I was a child.  What’d you expect?) Then, the time finally came.

I remember sitting on the airplane en route to my new home on the other side of the world, past the prime meridian and into the “future”.  There was no turning back– so finally I began a list of things I wanted to achieve as a 12 year-old entering a brand new world.  Though I no longer have the list with me, I recall writing it on a napkin that came with the peanuts and beverages.  I wanted to be more kind and have more friends because I was very unpopular in my Texan middle school.  I wanted to be more outgoing, since I always defaulted on being shy and quiet.  I pretty much wanted to be everything I wasn’t in Texas– and this was my one and only chance to.

Change can be a scary thing– but it is inevitable. In order for there to be growth, you must welcome change.  And while my first major change in my life (moving to China) was borderline TRAUMATIZING…I’ve since become addicted to it.  Looking back, the life I lived in China is one of the most invaluable experiences of my life. College, graduate school, “real world” adulting I’ve experienced since China– still doesn’t compare to my life during 2002-2008.  And, just because I don’t live in China anymore doesn’t mean there aren’t more adventures in life left to take.  How will I ever know my next best experience if I never welcomed change?

The static, predictable, and safe lifestyle has become boring for me.  And maybe that’s why I have always been drawn to theatre.  Who will I play next? What will I learn, do, and see next?  Theatre/Acting is driven by the unknown.  Will I land this audition? Will I sink or swim?  What will the reviews/audiences say specifically about me? You never know. So here are my tips and tricks on how to face change and embrace it.

1. What’s the worst thing that could happen?

This applies to any situation.  What’s the absolute WORST THING that could happen?  Think about it.  Write it down.  Feel it out.  Put your anxieties on paper and REALIZE IT.  It’s okay.

If you’re going to an interview for your dream job, what’s the worst logical thing that could happen? They say no. Interviewers laugh at you.

If you’re moving to a new place, a place you’ve never been before — what’s the worst thing that could happen? You don’t make any friends. You lose your job (or can’t find a job!). You wind up homeless.

2. What are you going to do about it?

The best advice my father has ever given me in my entire lifetime is: Don’t worry about things you have ABSOLUTELY no control over.

If you interview for your dream job– they say no and laugh at you on your way out, can you control that? NO.  So, what can you control?

You can control how conduct yourself at the next interview for a similar opportunity– figure out what you could do better next time, how to strengthen your credentials.  You can control how much harder you keep looking for that special, amazing opportunity.  If you can find it once, you can find it again.  That is in YOUR control!

You’re moving to a new place you’ve never been before and you don’t have any friends, can’t find a job, and you’re stranded and couch surfing– what can you control?

You can control how much social events you go to and how much effort you put into trying to make friends– all of your friends at one moment in your life was a COMPLETE STRANGER!  Go out, have fun, even if you don’t feel like it.  You only get in return what you put out in the universe (true story).  Can’t find a job? Keep grinding and looking!  The reality most people struggle with is no matter how great you are, how smart you are, how CAPABLE you are– the world owes you nothing.  So don’t expect the perfect opportunity is going to fall right in your lap!  Again, you only get in return what you put out.  Keep applying for jobs even if they are “stupid”. [I worked 10 years in retail and food– I KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE!  TRUST ME.]  Something is better than nothing. Legit homeless? Go home.  Your original home.  Somewhere where you have people that will love and support you while you get back on your feet.  I’ve known plenty of people who moved great distance away because of an opportunity then all of a sudden– their job doesn’t work out and they can’t find anything better. They find themselves unexpectedly going back to where they started.  There’s always a place you call home.  Go back to it.  There is no shame in that; there is only the shame that comes with never trying.  You are ALWAYS in control of your situation. In life, you can only count on yourself.  Your parents will pass, your siblings may move, your spouse may pass/leave, friends are constantly coming and going.  The only constant relationship you have from birth to death is the relationship you have with yourself. So look out for yourself, never let pride get in the way.  There is no such thing as failure.

3. What’s the BEST that could happen?

Alright, pessimism and cynicism aside– let’s focus on the positives. Figure out what are the best things that could happen.  Write it down.  Rewire your brain to LOOK FORWARD to these things.  Moving to a new place/starting a new job is exciting!!  You get to reinvent yourself!!  You get to learn something new!!  You’ll meet new friends, discover new interests, gain new experiences.  YAAAS!!  After realizing your worries, combat it with something positive– something to look forward to.  It’s all about the state of mind.  Were you unpopular? A subaverage worker? NOT ANYMORE!!  You, in whatever type of change you’re facing in life, have a rare opportunity to reinvent yourself, better yourself, transform yourself.  So WERK IT!!! DO YOU, BOO-BOO!!!  WEL-COME-DAT-CHANGE!!!

When all else fails, and you feel like it’s just you against the world…I’m here for you and I have enough belief that you can make the best of your impending change.  Don’t believe me?  Comment down below and tell me your story.  Let’s be friends.

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