I used to be a real insecure and paranoid creature thanks to the numerous years of bullying and animosity I faced during my adolescent years. I'd be lying if I said I didn't care what people thought of me nowadays, but I give myself credit where credit is due. I've gotten better, more confident, and mindful about my capabilities. This was no easy feat. [Click here to read "The Upside of Being Told 'No' and why it is important to stay motivated.]
As you might have guessed by now, my life's motto is to not worry about things that I have no control over. One of the biggest things that comes with that is recognizing that no matter what, people in this world are going to judge you, hate you, and discourage you everywhere you go. Whether its calling you ugly, stupid, or simply not good enough– these types of attitudes are simply unavoidable. It sucks, but it is the truth. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can learn to love yourself.
Most people are egocentric. They only live in their world, and only experience things as they perceive it. A person might road rage out against to someone who cuts them off on the road but fail to see the person who cut them off is an elder with poor vision or a parent with rambunctious children in the back, trying to drive whilst simultaneously calming them down. A supervisor might lash out on an employee producing unsatisfactory work not realizing that employee has other things on his mind like a sick family member or experiencing the heavy burden of debt obtained from simply raising a family and/or buying a home. The supervisor, themselves, might have adopted a more abrasive personality because of all the years they were told they weren't assertive enough and they're dealing with their own pressures that come with wanting to climb the corporate ladder and succeed in life. It is even possible that there is no "reason" but are all real, honest mistakes! (People make those! It's life! Nobody's perfect! Chill out!) None of these are great reasons to excuse this type of behavior, mind you, but they are examples of how the situation simply cannot be helped.
You cannot control what other people say, think, or do to you. But, you can control how you internalize and react to it.
I'm speaking strictly in terms of facing animosity. Not to those who are giving legitimate constructive criticism or advice you don't want to hear– that's in a whole other league of its own. When someone is being awful to you and being mean toward you for seemingly no rhyme or reason it's important to keep these in mind:
It is them, not you.
If someone is throwing shade at you I can say with 99.8% confidence it is more of their problem than it is your problem. Maybe they're having a bad day, or just a bad life in general. They have no other way to process their negative emotions other than to project it onto others. It is unhealthy, and it shouldn't happen, but it does. It could happen unintentionally because the person has some type of depression making them susceptible to irritability/agitation/mood swings; or it could happen intentionally because the person is projecting their own insecurities and jealousies onto you so they can feel better about themselves. Regardless of their intention, it should make you feel better that it is their deal more than it is yours.
Stay mindful, be kind.
Recognize that since it is their own issues disguised as hate towards you to not take it personally. Don't add fuel to the fire for it only justifies their negative thoughts/actions towards you. There's a reason why "kill them with kindness" is a saying. Stay kind, even when it is so extremely difficult. Stay kind because when other people get wind of this type of animosity, those who are close to them may start to question why they are mean you. It is definitely a long game to play, but in the end it all works out. Karma is real and ruthless. Be kind, spread love, and you'll get it in return in ten-folds.
In high school, I was bullied relentlessly. Every day, it was a new thing. I had one girl spread the nastiest rumors about me and I never cared. One time she told the entire school I was a closet lesbian who liked to peep at other girls showering post-P.E. class. When I got wind of it I couldn't help but laugh and said, "Ew, since when did people use the showers at school?!?" (Hint: no one did. The showers in the locker rooms were always musty and questionably "clean" because literally no one ever used them.) So when the rumors changed that I was just a closet lesbian, I was happy because I have been a LGBTQIA advocate since 1995 and went around saying, "You know, sexual orientation isn't a choice…but this is possibly the kindest rumor you could have ever made about me." I knew I wasn't gay! Not only was I not gay, I didn't see anything wrong with being gay so I didn't care who thought I was. It literally affected me none. After 4 years enduring rumor after rumor, sometimes even enduring physical harm (yes, I've been beaten up and had things thrown at me too times in my lifetime), the girl behind most of it apologized to me which brings me to my next point…
Forgiveness is a POWERFUL thing.
Senior year, during the last week of school, the girl who made my life hell throughout my high school experience apologized to me. It was unexpected but very deeply appreciated which is why after ten years, I still haven't forgotten about it. She did it in private, without her cohorts who typically egged her on but regardless…her eyes welled up with tears so I knew the amount of sincerity that came with the apology. She hugged me– and it wasn't a polite, obligated type of hug. She held me tight, it was prolonged, and for a moment, she wept into my shoulder. "I don't know why I did the things that I did, it wasn't me, and I'm sorry I never got a chance to be friends with you." When we pulled away from the hug, she held both my hands and squeezed them. It meant the world to me. We were both crying at this point, just letting it all out. I never retaliated against her, I just took it. If I had fought fire with fire, I doubt that it would've played out the way it did.
I forgave her. She thanked me. We moved on.
An apology too late is better than an apology that never comes. Maybe she felt the same way and just wanted to be lifted from all the guilt from every horrible thing she ever did to me before we left our separate ways to college. I had the choice to hold onto that grudge for the rest of my life and make her live knowing the damage she did to me, but forgiveness is often for yourself more than it is for the person asking for it. I had the power to absolve her from all that guilt, and I did. Sometimes they never apologize! It is still your duty to forgive because it is the right thing to do and a necessity to move on. Trust me when I say that there are still plenty of people out in the world who did me wrong, and are still continuously spreading hate and saying mean things about me. Rest assured, while they are talking crap about my back, I've forgiven and forgotten about them a long time ago. It isn't until I get wind of it through a mutual friend that I typically just feel touched and honored that someone is still wasting energy talking about me at all. Sometimes I legitimately have to remind myself who they even are since I typically cut off toxic relationships to lead a healthy life. That's the way it should be. Just ignore it all! If and when they come to their senses to apologize, I will forgive and tell them I did forever ago. It isn't easy, but those who can find the courage to do so will lead much healthier, happier lives.
When facing animosity, the only way the aggressors win is if you acknowledge it, let it get you down, and justify their wrong by fueling the hate with your own way of retaliation. Recognize your worth. Realize it is them, not you. Stay mindful, be kind, and always, always forgive.